Life-As it Were

Today Is The Day....

2012-01-05T11:12:00.003-06:00

Well, today is the day.

What day you ask..? It is the day the step-daughter heads back home.

Hubby will be home around noon from work and they shall take off about 2pm to head to the airport in Nashville. Her plane leaves at 6pm.

It has been an up and downhill time for me during the holidays because the week before Christmas, the step-son moved in. Read below, please. Then one month later, the step-daughter is here for a visit through Christmas/New Year's. She will eventually be living here as well. Again, read below, please.

I will continue my rants, I'm sure as the situation is not what I bargained for when I married this man. Yes, again, I knew he had older children but they lived with their mother. in another state. I didn't have to worry about them living here. Then. She. Died. Last July. And after a year of continuing to live with the grandmother and other situations for her, she asked to live with us. Complications. She is a ward of the State of AZ and in Foster Parent care(her grandmother). Long story, read below, somewhere.
So, I was ok with her coming to live here. Going through the State's process's are hell, but it's what has to be done so hubby can get her back. The middle child is 18 and lives somewhere else and goes to college...KUDOS! He's doing great...
Well, after the daughter's visit here in August of this year, she wanted to live with us. So, processes...She goes back home, process begins..she tells how things were here. To older brother. He then decides, "hey dad, I need to talk to you about something". Needless to say, I KNEW what it was going to be. Ok, read below for THAT story. Then you might understand my feelings.

Although, I'm not sure of them half the time. Resentment. Frustration. Jealousy. MY time gone. Two more people in the house to watch out for. Don't. Trust. Them. Together.
Now, I know it's good for siblings to be tight, but with these two and the trouble they've been in previous(of course because of the way the mother raised them), I'm on my guard.

My daughter has rules. She follows them. But my hubby is going to be a bit lax with HIS kids. Ok, the 20 yr old, he's an adult(term used loosely). The 16yr old on the other hand, NEEDS rules. "Well, he says, "too many rules and she'll do it behind our backs anyways", "You know how it was when we were teens".
No I don't, because I got my ASS beat if I did something I wasn't supposed to be doing. No, I did not smoke when I was a teen. When I moved out, then I did. Yes, I had sex when I was a teen but when my parents found out..OH! the hell that was raised! It didn't happen again until I was out on my own.
Rules are meant to protect. Yes, kids are going to experiment, I don't wear blinders, but when they are caught, then enforce the discipline for those rules! It protects them. It protects you.

Good lord. I just don't know what to do. If I say anything, he gets upset. It just seems I can't say much where his kids are concerned. He says what he wants about mine, and of course, that's ok..whatever!!! Geez....

I'm in such a quandary. I try to talk to him but it's really hard. I'm having to be very careful, so I don't say anything, why bother?

Any continued advice would be helpful...

Til Later All...

BlueEyedWonder

2012...A New Year, A New Life...

2012-01-04T00:18:00.001-06:00

Well, here it is the new year...2012.

And it's starting out with a bang. Sort of. Nothing has changed, so far.

Someone asked me if I had made any New Year Resolutions. I told them No. I honestly didn't make any. I'm still doing what I've been doing, as far as my health, diet and exercise. So, there was no use in making any new ones for that.
I didn't even make any for any other reason. Why should I? Is there a reason to? I don't see any good changes right now.

Hubs kids will be here, both, soon enough. Well, the son IS here. Now, we wait on the "when" for the daughter. And let me tell you..these two are TIGHT. I'm very afraid of that.

Sometimes, I walk in and there's my hubs and his two kids sitting together watching a show or something and there I stand, on the outside. I feel resentment. They don't ignore me, the kids are respectful towards me...I just feel resentful.

I know, it's horrible.

The daughter goes home Thursday. Back to Arizona. I'll be glad actually. Is that really bad of me????? Gah. I just don't know.

I think, in all honesty, I would be okay if it had JUST been the daughter moving here. I was expecting that. Knowing she needed this so she could get better. I still am upset that she's smoking. My feelings still don't matter on that subject. Geez. (I'm dieing in the smoke in this house!!) One would think that a parent would want better for their child and make rules to follow. Regardless of thinking if they "took that away too" she'll just rebel or pull inside of herself. I think he forgot that, Kids NEED rules, regardless of their age and circumstances.

Anyway....Maybe I should make a resolution to just make the most of the take-over of my life and home. (???) I don't know...I'm so confused about things anymore...I'm afraid to say anything that honestly is nothing but either teasing or pointing out that something needs to be taken care of because they've made a mess after I've cleaned up and he gets upset. He can tease about my kids but I can't about his? He can give advice where my daughter is concerned but I can't say anything about his? Grrr...

Resolutions.

My brain hurts.Too much thinking going on in this one!

On the upside, I start working on Monday! I've finally found a part time job. I'll be working at Lowe's. Cashier. No, not a dream job but a job nonetheless! I've been looking for months and finally got one. Lots of benefits including employee discount! lol...Yeah, I know I should go back to my Rad Program. Won't happen right now and may never. But, I will finish up 4-5 classes this next year and get a Bachelors in University Studies. Then, I'll go from there as that will take me in any direction. All online too! I like that.

So, my life goes on. No resolutions. Just the same old thing because life has changed for me in the past six months...

Til Later All...

BlueEyedWonder

The Holidays

2011-12-29T14:11:00.003-06:00

Ah, The Holidays.

Well, Christmas itself has come and gone and I can't say it was the best one we've had. I'll share with you a bit of our happenings.

Mom did make it home for Christmas, thankully the Thursday before but I wasn't sure my hubby would make it home.

The Saturday morning that hubby had to pick up his daughter from the airport he received a phone call from his mother. His father was not breathing when she tried to wake him up. The ambulance came and got him revived but it was possible he had already been 20 minutes without oxygen. He was being rushed to the hospital. So that was the beginning of the heaviness.
Hubs got his daughter from the airport and on the way home spoke to his sister. Their dad was still unconscious and had to be put on a ventilator. He wasn't breathing on his own. Not a good sign but they were hoping. His body was beginning to actually start the decay process so they had to ice his body to bring the body temp down to stop these processes.
On Sunday afternoon, they began bringing the body temp back up so that they could do tests to see if there was any brain activity. Once that was done, they took him off of sedation and the anti-seizure meds so that they could do the testing.
He began having seizures again. Back on sedation he went. But from what they could tell, no brain activity. They tried again on Monday, same thing happened. They would get him prepared for an EEG and the seizures would happen again.
Well, that night the neurologist came in and supposedly their dad moved his big toe. It looked like a good sign. But they wanted to test again on Tuesday. Again, the same thing happened.
My hubby had to leave Tuesday and head to Florida to be with his family.

He was up at 5:30am for work. Came home and packed & left by noon Tuesday. Got to the town they lived in, Titusville by about 1am Wednesday morning. He still hadn't slept when they went to the hospital at 4:30am. They were there to wait to see the Neurologist again.
Again, they were going to test that afternoon or evening. The results didn't come in until Thursday and they weren't good. By then the rest of the brothers had left to their home states as they had to be back for work and such.

So, the last of the tasks were left to my hubby, his sister and their mother.

Once Thursday afternoon came the bad news came. The neurologist found that whatever brain activity that their father had was diminished or diminishing very quickly. The only possible part of the stem that MIGHT be working was for the breathing. They were hoping to speak to the lung Doctor about this. Well, he was never to be gotten a hold of as he was on vacation. So a decision had to be made.
They had to decide whether to just keep him on the ventilator and put him on feeding tubes for the rest of his life or take him off, see if he would keep breathing on his own and then go from there. The thing was, he was clinically brain dead. So, if you kept him on the ventilator and feeding tubes, it's just a shell of a body you're keeping alive. Take him off the ventilator and let his own body decide, would make the decision for them.
They took him off of the ventilator.

Their Father, Salvatore, passed away at 7:45pm Thursday evening, December 22nd, 2012.

It has been a hard Christmas for my hubby as he and his parents had just been talking again for a few weeks. Previous to that, they hadn't spoken in about 8 years. All over an argument he and his Mother had that many years ago.

With that on our plates...2 new children in the house(my step-children), it has been rough. I was left alone with them while the hubs was gone as we couldn't afford for all of us to go. And it wasn't the right time for all of us to go. Although, I wish I could have been there for my hubby during all that was going on. He was exhausted by the time he made it home at 2am Saturday morning, Christmas Eve Day. It took a few days for him to get back to normal, bodily wise. He hardly ate while he was gone.

With this and me not wanting the steps here...I am nerved up, tense all the time. Afraid to say anything that hubby might perceive as me picking on his kids. I am so tense, my jaw hurts ALL the time. I'm not adjusting well with them here. I've tried to explain but don't know how to explain how I feel, so I just don't say anything. I try to pretend everything is all right but I'm afraid I'll blow up eventually. I resent that they are here probably because I feel "our" time is now put aside.
I know, it's selfish of me but I want back what I had...My life with my hubby.....

Til Later All...

BlueEyedWonder

Just Getting Angrier...

2011-12-19T13:11:00.001-06:00

I know, I know..it's probably not fair, but I' m just getting angrier and angrier and more frustrated and hurt and pulling in on myself and having to walk on eggshells...

So, the other day hubby wanted a lunch meat sandwich only there wasn't any left and I had not gone back to do any grocery shopping as I was waiting for my regular shopping day. To say he was upset would definitely be an understatement. I so got yelled at. I didn't eat it all. He didn't eat it all. His son ate it all. I had 2 servings of all the lunch meat I had bought. His son ate a pound of turkey breast and several packages of the Buddig meats I bought. Now, I bought enough food for the week, or at least thought I had. Not so. But did he say anything to his son, no. Just yelled at me. I didn't argue back but I did say to him that I didn't eat it all nor his hot dogs. And my daughter never had any, I checked to make sure.
I think what hurt the most was the fact that he YELLED at me in front of his son. And his son never said one word about how much he ate.

Now, I realize I must shop for a growing family and especially one with a 20 yr old boy who weigh's 260lbs and puts away the food. Then there's the step daughter who is now here...so I think I'm basically shopping for 6 now. Anyway, it's been a long time since I had a family of 5 to feed and I'm having to adjust and try to figure out meals as well as lunch foods and breakfast foods...So I've been going through my old recipes that fed a lot of people and do you know, that boy of his eats HALF the casseroles???? If you want any of the left overs, you better get some and hide it...seriously.

So there was that. Then when I try to tease a bit about the kids and food and such he gets all over me. Now, he does this SAME thing to MY daughter and I've not ever said anything to him, til now. I said, "So, it's okay for you to tease me about things and tease my daughter about things but I'm not allowed to do the same back? Don't you think that's a double standard?" But he blows it off. I don't get it.

Then there is the issue of his 16 yr old daughter smoking. It's our household. There should be rules about underage children NOT smoking as it is against the law. She's not of age. Who's going to purchase the things for her? And if it's wrong for her to be smoking outside of the house then why is it not wrong for her to be smoking inside the house? Tell me..someone..anyone..
Yes, I knew she was before she came here but I also spoke with him about it and asked that she not be and follow some kind of rules in the house. Well, that's not to be.
She will be allowed to smoke. End of conversation. (this is what I'm told: she's been smoking since she was 13 because of her mother's treatment of her and it's her way of rebelling. She already had the drugs taken away, the alcohol taken away, wrong influential people taken away and of course, her mother passing on...so there is no way he's going to take away her smoking too...)
All righty then...Then the conversation went like this: "Didn't you smoke when you were a teenager? No, honestly, I did not. Not until I left home because my parents would have killed me. And No, the 3 children I raised did not smoke until they left home or were 18 at least. Because of the rules that were set. If they did it outside of my sight then I didn't know but from what I know, they never touched the stuff. " Then he says, "Well, I did from a very young age and I'm not going to tell her she can't."
So then, it finished like this: He says, "Do we have an understanding?" Well, what the hell am I supposed to say to that????
I told him I heard him but that's not the answer he wanted. He got his answer, but I'm getting more and more resentful. And that's NOT good.

If it had just been his daughter that moved in with us, I think I'd be fine but I'm sure there'd still be some issues that would just not get dealt with. But, seriously, these two are thick as thieves..the two that are THE closest and I do NOT trust them.

There is going to be problems for the hubs and I if something doesn't get compromised. Normally when we don't agree, we talk and compromise. With his children, there is NO compromising. I seriously have done a lot of compromising and listening where my daughter is concerned but not where his children are.

I think I may end up having to just shut things out, stay in other rooms by myself or something so that I won't be the one to "see" and let his eyes be opened...if they ever will.

Til Later All...

BlueEyedWonder

Annoyance...

2011-12-14T14:18:00.001-06:00

Annoyance..

That seems to be my word of choice lately. It seems to be in varying forms, such as: annoyed, annoy, and of course annoyance.

Ever since the 20 year old stepson has moved in this is how I have begun to feel. An he's only been here a month. He's settling in to some kind of routine where it seems I have NO alone time whatsoever, unless I leave the house.
He's beginning to leave messes. Not huge ones but ones I end up going behind and cleaning up. I swear my household clean up has become even more so. I am constantly washing dishes. And to say the boy can eat, is an understatement!
I found out the other day that he ways 260lbs. And he's only about 5ft 10in. and at that weight he was down about 50lbs from my understanding.

He drinks pots of coffee like there's no tomorrow. He eats everything in sight without a THOUGHT as to maybe other people might want to have a little bit. And if you want anything of leftovers, you better hide you a helping!

Annoyed.

Yes, I've spoken some to Rick but it seems I can't say a whole lot because then it seems I'm picking. No, I'm trying to save us 250.00 a week grocery bills!! Goodness, I'm not working yet(although, I hope to be here very soon). Me working will help immensely even if it is part-time at least there will be some extra.

Rick is noticing that I'm going around with a lot of heavy sighs lately. I'm trying not to do this in front of him but it seems that every time I sigh, he just happens to be there at that moment....((((sigh)))).

On top of all this, he's trying to finish the second bedroom (the one that will actually be for the step-son) while we're trying to get Christmas gifts for the kids and each other and nephews & nieces and the Mama. To me, right now, it doesn't need to be done. The step-daughter will only be able to be here for 2 weeks as we've not heard yet from the state of TN on when they will get out here and do the "house check & family check" thing.
I keep telling Rick, they are not going to do a thing until after the first of the year and we don't need to try to get everything done all at once because we don't have the money for it. Does he listen, no, just like any man...he gets a burr up his butt and just does whatever with NO thought as to the outcome.

I know he's trying to keep a positive attitude that she'll end up staying and the state will move quickly (and waste half of a round trip ticket) but seriously, ANY state government to move quickly???? Laughable..HA. I'm trying to keep my perspective on this but it's quickly dwindling.

This boy is no closer to getting his drivers license than my 17 year old (and she just doesn't like to drive). Which means he's no closer to getting a job of his own and taking on responsibility of his own. He talks about going into the Navy. Well, he needs to lose about 70lbs...Not gonna happen if he doesn't stop eating like he does. He's a growing boy all right...growing out, not up!!!

It was one thing to say, "hey, yeah, lets have the step-daughter come live with us", as I know she really needs this but it's another to have the step-son. I really didn't and don't want him here....I really feel the boy has issues that are not being dealt with and I don't know what to do about them, if anything...

Anyone got any advice before I blow up?? This is not what I signed up for. Not the future I was seeing with Rick. All I know is, I've got to figure out some things for myself...but need a bit of advice and someone to talk to who's been there...

Ok, I think I've whined enough today but I'll be back another day!

Til Later All!!

BlueEyedWonder

Life Sucks...

2011-11-25T23:39:00.001-06:00

Ok Fans..I know it's been QUITE sometime since I last posted, but here I am. It's almost the middle of the night and I just feel I have got to finally get on here. It seems like I have so much to tell and yet not at the same time.
Well, here goes.

So you all know already that I dropped out of the Radiology Program. Yes, I was doing well. Yes, my grades were way up to par, as expected. But once I was in there, I knew I wasn't supposed to be and yet kept trying to hang in there thinking it was just me feeling like I couldn't hack it. Not so.
I believe, from the beginning of being accepted into the program, I had reservations about accepting it. But I did anyway. As things began coming up to get ready for classes, such as getting books, shots, uniforms, shoes and everything else, I kept coming up against walls.
These walls kept trying to stop me from going on ahead. I didn't pay attention. I wish I had.
The walls were firstly, money. How in the hell was I going to pay for this? I wasn't getting any financial aid help this year, after deciding, I have to be honest and let them know I'm married now. Being married, seriously does not help you pay for classes as far as financial aid services are concerned even if FAFSA says you SHOULD get such and such for aid. I believe the colleges do what they want.
So, trying to come up with the money for everything. Struggles, struggles. Finally figure out a way to pay for the books when, wham! My registration for school is not longer there!! They pulled me out when I hadn't paid for half my tuition up front by the day they said I needed to do it. I had been paying them and knew I'd have the whole semester to pay it, but they decided, nope, you must pay such and such by this date and the rest by this date. FFFFTTT!!! I felt right then, another sign!! But I didn't pay attention...AGAIN. I found a way to get it all straightened out. And then started classes.
I'm going to classes. I'm doing the homework, the studying..taking the tests and passing them. Driving an hour to classes, an hour home from classes. Driving my daughter(who is still afraid to drive) to school and picking her up. Figuring out schedules. Studying, teaching Zumba, making dinners, doing laundry, cleaning house, being secretary to my husband & mom and doing for EVERYONE...and becoming more and more sure through all of this that I had made the wrong decision by going on ahead and starting classes. Then came actually going to "work" at the hospital to begin hands on training. Another day to add to the list of everything needing to be done and driving from there to Zumba that night to teach and barely making it to those classes...(I still had to set up and be prepared and change once I got there) This was not good.
I was getting so stressed that I wasn't sleeping. My health began to suffer. I was no longer a happy person. No one said anything to me, even though they could see the changes. Why? Because they knew I'd been working very hard to get there. And I was afraid to quit because then I would disappoint everyone. (My two oldest still don't know...)
I finally was in class one day and it hit me...I did NOT want to be there. When I talked to my hubby that night, he encouraged me to do what I wanted and said he would stand by me in my decision. He has. He also let me know that once I'd made that decision that he could see a difference in my happiness and my health as a little time went by.

Now on to why I believe I wasn't supposed to go on right now.

I think you all know that my husband has 3 children from a previous marriage. Well, his ex-wife passed away last year at the end of June. She was very young, about 38 yrs old. Anyway, it wasn't pleasant the way she passed on and how she was found. Their 3 children at the time were 15, 17 & 19. Hubs didn't want to pull them away from where they were living and discussed it with them and their Nana and the kids decided they would stay there where they had grown up.
The youngest, the daughter, was having a LOT of emotional problems not only because of the mother's death but because of some things that had happened during her growing up (which I will not get into as they are very personal). She ended up being sent out to Utah to a 'rehab' type of place for almost a year because no one really knew what to do with her. She's better now, thank goodness BUT she had to end up being put under as a Ward of the State and the grandmother becoming a 'Foster Parent' to have her still in the home. The one that was 17 did also and was just released recently as he is now 18.
So anyway..The daughter ended up coming to visit us this past July/August for a couple of weeks and while she was here, she asked her father and I if she could move here with us. The way I was asked, I felt that I was put on the spot as instead of my hubby talking to me privately, it was brought up right with the daughter there. What could I say? "Of course, she could come live with us!" was the ONLY response that was to be mouthed. Regardless of whether I felt that way.
So, because she wants to come live with us, we now have to go through the whole process of the state where she is living doing what they have to do to release her from them and then the state we live in going and checking us out as well before she is released from her state of residence.
So, her visit with us was really good. She seems like she's adjusted well to all of her counseling and rehab and such. BUT, to this day, she still lives in the same house with all the bad memories and all the same people and all the same situations...etc.
Ok, so the process had begun in August. She is still in her state of residence BECAUSE they are SO slow. Then once our state of residence gets the paperwork they have to do their part. And who knows how long that will take...
After she had been here another kicker came into place. The oldest boy has decided he wants to move here. He's now 20 yrs old. He has had drug problems. Has had other problems. Has anger issues. No driver's license. No job. He's had problems, again because of how these children were done by the mother(and no one knew it!!)

So, right now...my hubby's son has moved in, a week now. We are having to get him ready to drive. Have to get him stuff because he pretty much has nothing. Try to find him a job and make sure he is straight on.
We are a 1 income family right now as I can't seem to get a job. That's another subject for another day!!
We have had to build a new room for the daughter because everyone has to have their own room/space or whatever, so the state doesn't freak. (Remember, we live in my mom's house and even though she is on the road all the time for her job and there is an extra bedroom, it's her room). And right now, money is freaking tight and Christmas is coming up and we still have to build yet ANOTHER bedroom because of the son being here.

Okay, I married this man know he had 3 older children and I have 1 of my own living at home. She was already here, he knew that and she is not a problem child. She keeps to herself, doesn't ask for much, doesn't go anywhere really and has just a very few close friends. But I wasn't expecting to have 2 of my hubby's children moving in with us!!
My life is NOT going the way I expected it to when I married this man.

What I was expecting was this:
We marry. I continue with school and get my degree as a Radiology Tech. I begin working in my chosen field. My daughter goes on to college. His children "visit"..yes, "visit"!! They go home after being here!!
That our life would be US and not all the extra.

Instead, I'm getting this:
2 extra children moving in. My college put aside for the moment(yeah, right moment). Hopefully my daughter will go on to college. Will we be able to afford it even for her???? His son filching off of us. His daughter, hell I don't know what she'll do but she won't go finish HS...Nope, she'll do her GED. She can't handle being in public school as she'll just get caught up in those 'bad' things again. Can't afford private schooling, so a GED is it.

I feel put upon. I know, some of you will say I'm being selfish in the way I feel..but let me ask you this, "If you were asked in such a way that you had no choice don't you think YOU would feel put upon?" I was asked in this way, "if my children want to be here and you don't want them here, don't make me choose because you know what I would choose."
Maybe, I would do the same if it was me but when it's put to you in that way, you really have no choice. Not when you say you love someone and it's for better or for worse.
Well, right now, I feel I have the 'worse'.

I am feeling very over-whelmed. I feel put upon. I feel resentful. There is a lot I feel and can't voice to anyone but here...to you...to this 'journal' of sorts...I feel we can't do what I'd like because right now, everything has to go to these two kids. One is here now. The other will be here ONLY for a visit. Money having to be spent on a round trip ticket because if our state doesn't move fast enough, the girl has to go back to her state of residence until it's figured out and then we have to spend money on a one way ticket to bring her back here once all is settled. IT SUCKS!!!!

I'm a bit angry as well. Should I be? Maybe not but I can't help my feelings anymore than anyone else can.

So, what do I do? I sit here and do the Mom thing until I get a job, hopefully soon and continue teaching Zumba in the meantime and try to do my best with these new kids coming into my life.

I'm just so.....GAH!!!

Til Later All...

BlueEyedWonder

Am I Expecting Too Much?

2011-10-12T10:08:00.000-05:00

I wonder at times if I'm expecting too much.

I have this ethic about me that says,"if you make a promise to do, go, be or whatever" to someone, you should fulfill that promise and not break it. I believe I pretty much always do what I say I will even at my own inconvenience or at the last minute.

There are people in my life that seem to always make a promise to me but seem to end up breaking the promise made. It seems there is no longer any consideration on their part to even let you know that they can't keep that promise. If you're going to make a promise, just KEEP it. And every time you don't it just makes a person feel that they are unappreciated as they go out of their way to make sure they are there for you.

This is me. I go above and beyond the call of "duty" so to speak. I make a promise to do something or be somewhere or whatever...and I keep that promise. I won't make a promise I can't keep or possibly can't keep. If I know I can't keep it, I say,"if it's at all possible I will do such and such." Otherwise, I"m there for you.

So, am I expecting too much from others to expect that they will keep their promises as well?? I'm so tired of the excuses. I know there may be reasons that happen but try to explain the reason, not just give some flimsy excuse. That hurts.

Til Later All...

BlueEyedWomder

Well, I've made a decision

2011-10-12T00:17:00.004-05:00

I have had so much going on in my life it seems since I started in the Radiology Program.
First of all, you all know I got in. Well, I was excited but not all at the same time. Once I got it, I really wasn't sure it's what I wanted to do.
Everyone kept telling me, "It's what you've worked so hard to get into"...Well, I thought it was.
I have gone to classes. I have started clinicals. And it's nothing that I expected it to be. It's stressful and I'm only in the beginning stages. It's only going to get worse before it gets better.
So much to remember. And you can't just memorize it, you have to LEARN it. Seriously learn it. Why? Because it's the stuff you'll be using every day. So it makes sense.
That's not the stressful stuff. It's all the people that rely on me. I thought I could deal with getting my daughter where she needs to be, going to school, studying, working, and doing what I can for everyone beyond that. I found that since I can't JUST concentrate on school, I've been getting more and more stressed as the time passes.

I wish I had listened to my gut in the first place. Not just that instinct but all the walls that kept being thrown in my face on the way to classes starting...I seriously kept thinking, "maybe I shouldn't be going ahead with this" because of the walls that kept coming up. I haven't felt happy about this either. I haven't felt that feeling of, "I am going for it no matter what" kind of feeling. Do you know what I mean??
Everyone has noticed how stressed I've been. How worn down I've been. Bags under my eyes. Not sleeping well. Getting headaches more often. Just have felt this exhaustion that I've not felt before. I have felt like someone has beaten me with 10ft poles!

So today, after a long talk with my hubby yesterday, I decided that...I am done. I can say that 5 yrs. from now, I will not regret this decision.
I'm going to look in another direction. Not sure yet but have a little idea going on in my head. I'll keep you posted on that!
In the meantime, I'm going to see if anything pops up for me in employment. Other than teaching my Zumba classes...If something decent comes up that looks like it'll be worth working for in the long term, I just might stay there..or continue on in classes online...We shall see!

I felt this was better than going on ahead with this semester and wasting money on something that I wasn't happy with.

Til Later All...

BlueEyedWonder

Just a little Hello!

2011-09-10T21:56:00.002-05:00

I haven't been on here in quite sometime..so I thought I would drop in and say hello to those that tend to check up on me sometimes...

So....HELLO!!!!!!!

I've been one busy little beaver to say the least...

I will be back in a day or two to give you quite the update on what's been happening here in "Life As It Were"....

BlueEyedWonder...

Weight Loss.....

2011-07-27T13:08:00.002-05:00

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

That's my Zumba (R) Fitness Class you see up there...I LOVE it!!!

We have a lot of fun while doing Zumba (R).

The ticker you see is mine..I'm on myfitnesspal and when I joined it, I was at about 133lbs. I am now down to 125lbs. Since last July I have lost 32lbs. I was surprised at how much I had gained back after losing an initial 60lbs back in 2002-2003. But I'm glad I lost it and the extra I still needed to lose. I'm doing well so far and feeling GREAT!

I start the Radiology Program August 29th. A full two years!! As long as they don't move me to a hospital for clinicals where I'd have to drive over 2 hours to get to, I'll be in it where I want to be...Jackson Madison County Hospital. Looking forward to getting it done! I'll actually be done Summer of 2013. WOW!!! Still seems so far away!

Til Later All...

BlueEyedWonder

What I thought I wanted...

2011-06-04T00:49:00.002-05:00

I seem to have gotten to a spot in my life where what I thought I wanted may not be what I want after all.

I've become so exhausted by going after what I wanted that now I don't know if it's what I want to do!

All the hard work I have done for the last six semesters, now, I'm not so sure it's what I want. A little more in the credit hours and I would actually have a Bachelors. In what, I do not know.

I've been looking at Social work, Counseling..etc. I've also been looking at Criminal Justice too. I really wouldn't have too many more classes, maybe another year of school and I could be in something else that I might like. As much as I want to do Radiology, now, I'm not so sure it's what I want.

Is that a terrible thing? Am I going through the, "I think I'm going to change my major" thing??

I just don't know what to do and I need to decide something really, really soon...

Til Later All...

BlueEyedWonder

Just Stuff...

2011-05-28T00:46:00.002-05:00

Just a little something tonight...

I wish my husband would not be "on hold at home" so often! I DO love him so very much but being with him all day everyday because he's on hold for most of the week and then home on weekends is making me CRAZY!

Is it wrong to be feeling bored? Cuz I certainly do feel this way. When he's gone, I miss him, but am so glad not to feel as if I have to hang around the house because he's home. See, when he is home, I do feel as if I have to stay here rather than go and do what I want when I want. He doesn't necessarily make me feel this way, but he hates it when I'm not here.

He says it doesn't bother him that I go and do my thing and yet there are still little comments made that make me think otherwise...

Glad I can vent a little....

Til Later All...

BlueEyedWonder

And Life goes on..

2011-05-24T15:46:00.002-05:00

So, the Rapture has come and gone. Just like my Spring Semester..it was here and then..gone!
Why people continuously try to come up with a date for this "possible" thing, I don't know. You would think that after all their Bible reading they would understand that scripture that says," NO man knows the day or the hour, only God, not even Jesus knows." Geez! And the idiots that follow blindly!
Most of them are STILL following this man and they've even said they've never read the bible but believe what this "man" says. Lunacy!

I can't say that I don't believe in God or the Bible, but I still have a lot of questions about it. I mean, what if? What if it is all made up and the life we live right now is it. What if, when we do die, that's it. Is it a man made myth? There are SO many portions left out of the Bible because it SEEMS that they didn't want you to see the human side of Jesus. These men, did they just tell stories? Are some of what they saw exaggerated?

Will we ever really know? Somehow, I don't think so. Not unless there really is a Heaven and well, some of us make it there...then, I guess we'll know.

Til Later All!!

BlueEyedWonder

Passed....

2011-05-11T21:21:00.000-05:00

Hey everybody!!

Well, I passed the semester!! Not exactly with what I wanted to but passed I did! I ended up receiving a B in my Physical Science II class, in which I was expecting a C..so talk about happy!!!
My Abnormal Psych class..B
Spanish 1...C
Contemporary Math 2...C

So, I passed!

Now let's see how my interview goes, if I get one next month, for that Radiography Program! I still won't know til mid July if I make it or not.

Overall my GPA is 3.45..for me, VERY good. I have earned 53 credit hours. Now, from my understanding I could have an Associates Degree in General Studies and with only a few more credit hours get a Bachelors in something that most of my credit studies have been focused on...Crazy isn't it?

I say crazy because, I'm going for a 2 year Associates of Applied Science Degree that is supposed to take 2 yrs to get..for the Radiography Program. If I get in. 2 more years to go to get that AAS but will have taken me almost 5 years. Now, how does that work?

I just want to get done. I'm burned out right now and I'm not even in the actual program yet!!!

Lots to still think about....

Til Later All!!

BlueEyedWonder

Semester..

2011-05-04T17:53:00.002-05:00

Well, another semester done. I can't say this has been my best thus far. My grades this time around, not so good. I made a C in at least two of them.

I'm not happy about that.

I could make excuses such as,"my physical science 2 instructor mainly teaches Chemistry, so what do you suppose the focus was on?" I have never been good at chemistry, not even in HS and it's been YEARS since then. I ALMOST made a B, four points short. Maybe she'll have mercy! HA, right!

Spanish 1..meh. Passing it with a C will make me happy! lol..Unbelievable, eh? My first mistake was taking it online but it's the only way I could because of conflicts with schedules. It's quite different for sure!

Abnormal Psych..didn't read as much of each chapter as I SHOULD have..so my test grades brought down that grade. Besides that, I get test anxiety especially when they are timed...ALL tests are timed! ECK!

But all of my homework, I got 100% on. Go figure!

Contemporary Math...I'm just average in that. I passed more than likely with a C. It's about what I'd expect in that. Math is not my forte.

Overall, the semester really stank! Everyone in college that I know personally said the same thing I said, "this is the worst semester I've had!". True, true...

I'd like to figure out what to do. I've gone to school now for 6 semesters trying to get into the Radiology Program that won't let you in until you've done all of the requirements that are required pretty much of those in the nursing program! When I looked over what you needed to get in, all it says is that you need ONLY 11 college credit hours to get in...but then you have to go through an interview process which if it's your first time, you don't have a chance to get in. You will your second time around...IF you've taken up to 5 of their now recommended classes! So a two year community college for a two year associates degree will have taken me almost 5 years to get through to get that Associates Degree in Science. How is that possible???? I will get answers!! Somehow. Because I already know people who have taken this same program in other colleges who applied to the college, got into the program when they did and were done in 2 years like they were supposed to be!!! GRRRR

I am very frustrated. It's not as if I was going for a Bachelors in something, although now, I could have an Associates in General Studies and with a few more hours or one more year have a Bachelors in something...Wow..Amazing.

So, now, I'm having to re-think everything and see what I want to do. Life sucks sometimes.

And on top of this, my hubby has been out of a job since the end of March because he quit a full-time job to go back to another job that's seasonal and was supposed to start working at and hadn't gotten a call until today to even work. It's a job where they deliver asphalt and such for road construction but with all the rain we've had and such, they can't work til this stuff stops. Today he and several of the drivers had to go to Tuscaloosa, AL where the tornado tore up the town and go to the company there that does asphalt and get loaded up to move that stuff to somewhere TN because that company got pretty torn up from the tornado as well. At least he's getting paid for that!
He's been looking for other jobs and nothing turns up. He had an interview with Pepsi for delivery driver and is supposed to possibly hear something this week, but because the guy that is supposed to give him a good word is possibly on the outs with my brother, he may not get that good word. Geez.
Then another call comes in and it sounds really good to take until we realize it's over 2 hours a way. Four hours a day of driving to and from, when he can't have a Truck assigned to him to bring home, is a lot of miles on his own personal truck. So, they are looking for other things for him closer to home.

I am a bit frustrated. He's not working and I haven't been because no one wants to hire me either! Plus, he didn't want me working while in school so I could concentrate on that...Now, I may have to find something. Although, I am instructing Zumba and am making pretty good money doing that right now. It's like I'm working..but having fun because I LOVE it!!

Well, something good has got to happen soon..I hope so anyways.

Til Later All!

BlueEyedWonder

UGH!!

2011-03-24T00:38:00.002-05:00

I've had a rough week. It seems to me anyway. I've felt like everything has come crashing in on me.
It was so bad yesterday that I cried on the way home from class.

See, I'm tired of school. I'm getting SO burned out! And I haven't gotten into the program yet. That will take another 2 yrs., if I get in. This semester has felt like the semester from hell. I just want it to end. I'm procrastinating with everything to do with school and then there I am at the last minute finishing EVERYTHING! I have so much on my plate with classes and homework that I'm going bonkers.

I feel like I lost it. The drive. The goal.

And then add PMS to the mix! Good Lord!!! I am freaked!

Even my hubby is driving me batty!!! No, CRAZY!! Sometimes I don't know how I feel where he's concerned. I'm annoyed, thrilled, pissed off at him...etc...a confusion of craziness. I felt sometimes, better before I got married. And yet, I'm happier now too..how crazy do I sound?? I've got someone who cares for me and doesn't care what I do or when I want to do it...And here I am, pissy with him and having feelings of...I don't know what!

My ex-husband has disappeared to somewhere. No one has spoken to him in a couple of weeks nor seen him...that we know of. My oldest hasn't...his possibly soon to be 2nd ex-wife, hasn't either in quite sometime. I still don't know if my son has either....He is a rather depressed man...so, I get concerned. Especially because his mother was a depressed person who ended her life by suicide....

I can't even sleep well. Hopefully, maybe tonight....

Til Later All!

BlueEyedWonder

Why....

2011-03-09T15:09:00.002-06:00

Why is it that the one who loves you most does something stupid to hurt you? Whether it be a thoughtless act/word or intentional?

I know the saying goes, "you always hurt the one you love".

It's really not fair. It's really not right.

I know, I've done it myself. Maybe it's because of selfishness. Maybe not. Maybe when we become defensive, that's when we hurt them the most.

I don't like to hurt and I certainly don't like to hurt anyone. My intent is not to hurt. I can't say never because, it will happen.

I was hurting last night. Because of something I saw that I shouldn't have seen. The person didn't seem to think it was any kind of big deal. No matter the disrespect that was shown to me. To me, as a woman and as a wife, I was disrespected. It hurt. No, I wasn't angry. I was disappointed. I felt the hurt and I felt disrespected. That is different than angry. Or mad.

I know sometimes in life these things will happen. But it hurts nonetheless.

There are times I wish a person would think before they do or say something that might hurt another. This goes for me too.

Yes, I did receive a heartfelt apology today. An apology that was most accepted. Because this loved one realized that how I was hurt was not worth it to cause me the hurt I felt.

And, my heart unhurt.

Til Later All!

BlueEyedWonder

The Laptop

2011-02-25T23:12:00.003-06:00

So, I ended up getting a laptop. My first ever. I have desktop, three in fact: one my daughter has in her room, one I use and the one Rick uses. The one I use is about 8 yrs old. And VERY slow. We updated it, added memory and yet, it still lags. Old. Worn out. I use the other two but when Rick and Kirsten are both home and I have homework, well you can see the predicament.

Part of the decision to get a laptop was so that I can use it for Zumba. The music will be on here and I will play it from here tied into the stereo system at the place I do zumba. Plus of course for my school work!

Now, to get used to it. It's really not that bad. I like that I can take it with me anywhere.. I got an HP d7...It's a 17.3 size. Love it!!

Well, I had two tests this week and I did HORRIBLE on them. I got a 63 on one and a 65 on the other...I felt SO bad!! I studied my butt off for them and for some reason just did horrible. I really felt confident with both of them too. One was for my Physical Science 2 class. We had been doing the Periodical Table and of course learning about Binary Compounds and how to write the formulas and then write formulas into the symbols. And I screwed up!! I don't even know how I did. Just that I did. That has made me feel so bad. I'll have to just do better next time!

I'll tell you though, this semester has been difficult. I am exhausted and just plain tired of going to school. I feel like I've lost sight of my goal. I have been in school for 6 semesters now and will still have 2 more years after I get in the Radiology Program. I am BUMMED!

On the upside, I was officially asked to become a part of the "Phi Theta Kappa Honor Society"!!! Talk about excitement!!!! And Yes, I am official!! That says something about my hard work and yet, I AM SO EXHAUSTED! Ok, done ranting...

Til Later All!!!

BlueEyedWonder

Valentines..

2011-02-18T17:32:00.002-06:00

Valentines Day, 2011...

We had such a great time! The first picture is of my sis-in-law, Erika and our friend Tina...

Of course there is Rick and I...I found that dress for the dinner at a place called Ross..I got it for a steal at $30 bucks...it was a $118 dress originally! It feels WONDERFUL!! Ah, the shoes were awesome too, peep toe with the color of grey and black, 4 in. heels. And comfortable, unbelievably so...

Dinner was very good. Rick had a steak and I had chicken. Our sides were: Ratatoullie and parmesan mashed potatoes. And for dessert:ChocolateCheesecake.YUM!!!!

It was a glorious night...On Valentines Day Rick brought me 2 dozen White Roses with a HUGE card that played music..It was SO sweet.

Now, I wonder what he'll do for my birthday??? lol

Til Later All!

BlueEyedWonder

Seeing Without Really Seeing...

2011-02-09T22:43:00.003-06:00

Sometimes I close my eyes very tightly and try to imagine what it would like to be blind. I know that I can never truly imagine what it would be like because I've already had a lifetime of 'seeing' and there would be the memories of vision in my mind. The blindness of not seeing would be a tragedy for those of us who have experienced the visual splendor or our world.

But what have I missed in life even though I can see? What has passed me by because of my insensibility, my unwillingness or inability to see the world around me and the people in it?

Literary works throughout the ages have explored the concept of blindness, probably the most famous is Shakespeare's King Lear. He knows his daughters, but he's completely blind to their true natures because he refuses to know them deeply and truly. In the play, he ends up actually losing his eyes as a result of his ignorance and blindness.

If we can see, we take what we see for granted. If we can hear, we take things like music and the wind in the trees for granted. If we can taste, we take flavors for granted. We work ourselves into a state of ignorance of the true nature of things, and we lose our ability to see past the surface of people and things. Being busy and being in a hurry can make this process even more drastic. Since we're not physically blind, shouldn't we take full advantage of the gift of the sense of sight, and actually SEE the world in which we spend our lives?

A Quotation:

"I have walked with people whose eyes are full of light but who see nothing in sea or sky, nothing in city streets, nothing in books. It were far better to sail forever in the night of blindness with sense and feeling, and mind, then to be content with the mere act of seeing. The only lightless dark is the night of darkness in ignorance and insensibility."

Food for thought....

Til Later All!

BlueEyedWonder

*Side note: I think this quotation may be from Helen Keller, but I am not really sure.

Improvement...

2011-02-07T10:45:00.003-06:00

I have to improve myself. But, don't we all need to and want to?

I don't say that because I think I'm flawed or unworthy, but because that's what life's all abot. Life is about growth and development, not stagnation. It's about being more next year than I am this year because I've been open to learning from the many lessons that come my way each day.

This growth is not just for my benefit. In fact, it's less for my benefit than it is for the benefit of those whom I touch with my life every day. Think about someone who is a teacher, a good teacher, but have you ever had one of those teachers who's been doing everything exactly the same way for the last twenty years? These teachers don't learn new methods or materials--they've found a comfort level that they like, and they've stayed there, stagnating just like water that stands in one place for too long. Water is meant to flow and to mix constantly with new water, not to stand on its own without new influence. But these teachers do just that, and what do we learn from them? In most people's experience, not much.

Of course, we're obligated to improve ourselves only if we want to make this world a better place. If we don't care about that, then we can spend our lives being entertained passively, learning nothing new at all. But then, we're not fulfilling our responsibility of contributing to the world.

Wouldn't we want the people we meet, who happened to come our way, walk away from us richer because of their experience with us? And then because they walk away richer, we will know that the people in their lives will be enriched by their new growth as well.

We should look at helping others as an opportunity rather than as a duty, because as we enrich others, we also enrich ourselves and our own lives.

But then again, it's all in how we look at it.

A further thought:

Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote:

"Each person takes care that his neighbor shall not cheat him or her. But a day comes when we begin to care that we do not cheat our neighbors. Then all goes well. We have changed our market-cart into a chariot of the sun."

Til Later All!

BlueEyedWonder

Something to think about...

2011-01-22T19:18:00.002-06:00

So, today I received something that gave me some thought. I'm going to share with you what might make you think a bit as well.

"What can it mean to "live consciously from my heart and soul"? I wonder that often as I try my best to do so. But there are no classes to take on this topic, and there are no guidebooks that work for everyone. I often find myself stumbling through life as well, making mistakes that in retrospect seem that they should have been impossible to make. They happen, interestingly enough, during those times when I'm not living consciously from my heart, when my mind is clouded by tasks and dilemmas and needs and wants.
When I am living consciously, I find that life is pretty good at letting me see things with a great deal of clarity. Im able to access what my heart and sould see and feel is important, and I don't face the moreal and ethical dilemmas that I do otherwise. I find that decisions are easy to make, and I don't slip into the judgmental mode that's so easy to be in when I'm "ignoring" my heart. The times when I feel most lucid, when things seem most clear to me, are those times when I'm able to love freely, when I'm able to look at a complete stranger in a store and think to myself, "I love that person."
If I can tap into that love, and if I can make it one of the strongest guiding forces of my life, then I know that I'll be sure to be able to "stumble my way through" in a manner that's much clearer, much more productive and healthy, than the other ways that I often make my way through days. I'm getting better at loving myself, but I don't believe that I'm completely there yet; I'm much closer than I've ever been, but I'm not sure that the love is completely unconditional yet. Once it is, then I'll be able to spread unconditional love freely, and I know that that will be a beautiful time in my life.

Questions:
How often do you find yourself "stumbling through" your lessons? Do you love yourself unconditionally" If not, are you able to love others freely? How can we use the lessons we go through to help us to learn to love?

A lot of food for thought...but thought provoking it is.

Til Later All!

BlueEyedWonder

New Year...New Me???

2011-01-05T11:32:00.003-06:00

As I begin a New Year, I keep thinking...will there really be a 'new me'? If I still have the same anxieties, the same feelings of competition and the same feelings of low self-esteem...then is there really a 'new' me??
Okay, I've been working on the physical side of the ME...and I'm doing pretty well there. Weight is down, I feel stronger and healthier than I have in a long time. That is a plus!

I didn't really make any New Years resolutions. There wasn't any one specific thing I thought about changing. But I have been thinking about these other inner things that I mentioned in the beginning - anxieties, low self-esteem and feelings of competition.

Maybe the anxiousness is something everyone feels: Like, I'm concerned about employment, money, getting through my classes in college, getting that interview and getting into the Radiology Program. So those things are always there. I'm sure everyone has some kind of anxiousness like this.

The feelings of competition: I have strong ones on that. I don't like to lose. I don't like it when I make less than an A in my classes. I get down on myself hard when it comes to that. Although, in that sense, it makes me work harder for that A. I don't like to be wrong about something. And on occasion, I know I am.... :P

Along with the feelings of competition comes that feeling of low self-esteem: if I believe someone is doing better at something than myself, then I believe that person or persons really just doesn't like me. Now, I know not everyone likes everyone but somehow, I at times take it very personal. Crazy, eh?
It's like with the Zumba Fitness Classes that I teach here where I live. Ok, the instructor that we had originally had to leave because of finally finding new employment and the hours she would be working cut into the class. So, I decided to go ahead and get certified to teach/instruct the class. The next thing I knew, there was another little girl, in her early 20's, who hadn't been coming to the class but maybe 3 months, and not consistently, decided she was going to get certified as well. It kind of ticked me off. I would have had that whole class, 4 days a week. Now, it knocked it down to 2 days for me. We had to share the week! FFFFTTTT...
Anyways, in the meantime, I was able to start instructing the other 2 nights in another location. It's just starting to finally pick up. But I guess my biggest beef is that not very many people seem to want to try the classes out on the nights I teach here in my hometown. That just sticks in my craw to no end!!!!
I'm friendly..outgoing..want to help these people. I go over the the steps to each song before hand so they know what they are doing(we both do this) but since I do not know the amount of people she knows, as she has lived here all her life, I GET SNUBBED!!!!
That hurts. It really does. So, it has made me feel like I am not worth crap. Yeah, I know, it's just a class and my other class is doing well. But it falls back on the competition thing. I do NOT like to lose..at ANYTHING. And yet, I think I'm having more of a 'pity' party thing. We shall see....

So, my whole point is...is there really a New Me??? I don't think so. And I don't know if I really want to change anything about me. I believe I need to get over some things and move on(maybe just dumping this Zumba stuff off will help)but as far as changing, I don't believe there is anything I would change about ME.

In all honesty, I like me. I like who I've become. I was such a bitch before, at least that's what I've been told! lol..I had a bad attitude against men. I was kind of mean, standoffish..and I was told that a lot of people wouldn't approach me because of it. Well, the last two years has changed a lot for me and I hear I'm quite different than I used to be.

So, is there really anything I need to make NEW about ME? Nah....but if you find anything that you think needs to be changed...let me know or forever hold your peace!! ;)

Til Later All!!

BlueEyedWonder

Christmas

2010-12-29T20:13:00.005-06:00

Christmas was so wonderful! We were together as a family and just had such a wonderful time...The food was delicious! The company inviting! Christmas Eve we spent the evening at my brothers home. We shared our gifts and ate a bunch of finger foods. The chocolate that you see was all homemade by little 'ol me! My fudge actually turned out this year. I made Oreo Cookie Balls, Peanut Butter Balls, Magic Cookie Bars, Chinese New Year Cookies, Fudge, Dr. Pepper Balls, Charlie Chaplin Candy, Muddy Buddys and Ranch Oyster Crackers. I made so much that I gave a lot of it away as gifts.
Christmas Day was a pretty awesome day as well. Everyone came here and we cooked a ham and lasagna. The lasagna turned out terrible!!

Other than the lasagna turning out so badly, the dinner was VERY good!

I finally got to have my Green Bean Casserole that I missed at Thanksgiving. But we ate and ate! Isn't that what getting together is all about? Sometimes it's the food that counts!

I think my most favorite gift was the diamond ring that Rick gave me this year. He said it was the ring I should have gotten a year and a half ago. What a wonderful man!! It is beautiful and I just love it!

Although, he wouldn't pick it out himself. He said I am too picky and he was afraid of me not liking what he picked out. I told him that I have shown you the things I like and you should know. I just think it was easier on him! lol...

Kirsten had a great Christmas too. She was able to stay home again this year and that was the best gift she received! It's a long story and maybe someday I'll share on that front. Suffice it to say, she got most of what she asked for! Aren't we supposed to spoil our children? Well, to a point I guess! lol

I hope that everyone had a wonderful Christmas as well. I know that this year was really hard on many out there but I hope that some good came to all.

Have a Happy New Year and I'll be back!!

Til Later All,

BlueEyedWonder

How does it happen?

2010-12-21T01:09:00.003-06:00

How does it happen? How do your kids grow up and you never really see it?

Look there at my youngest. She's the one with reddish/brown hair and the blonde in it. She's my baby. At sixteen. My baby. Only one more year of school left. She is in the middle of her Junior year in Highschool. I am dumbfounded. When did she gow up? She is interested in computers and graphic design. She is very, very picky about who her friends are. Most of the people she goes to school with, are just that, people she goes to school with. Not that she doesn't speak to them, but they don't have the same interests as she does. She says that they are very immature and the girls are just ridiculously boy crazy. Drama filled females.
Kirsten has a tendency to keep a lot to herself. Some think it strange but I don't. It's just a part of who she is. I think my main concern is, "will she be ready for the world when it's time?" I'm not really sure. Mainly because that is partly my fault. She is self-sufficient for sure but she's not a cook, has never done laundry and has barely vacuumed and washed dishes. And I'm supposed to let her go off on her own somewhere for college? Oh, I am worried!
Should I be? Should I not be? This baby of mine, I love her so!!!

Now, my middle child, my son. He was the baby, til Kirsten came along. I am very proud of this son of mine. I remember when I told my older two that they were going to have a new brother or sister coming. Michael was like, "oh no!! I'm not going to be the baby anymore!" I told him, he would always be the baby, my baby boy. I think it appeased him for just a short time. But he was really young at the time, so it did work. ;) He was in band, on the drumline. He played soccer in the Spring and Football in the Fall. His last two years of Highschool he was in the Center position for Football. He ran a little track too.
He has grown into a fine young man! He is now almost 26 years old. Amazing! He is married to a wonderful young woman for almost 4 years(at least I think it's 4). No, no grandchildren so far. Of course, I'm not really ready for any.
Mike works at a company that makes parts for all Corvette's. It is called Corvette Central and you can find it online. Mike is the web designer/marketing and whatever else he does with that. My daughter-in-law works at the same place but in the orders department.
They bought a home before they got married so they are homeowners. I'm proud of them. My daughter-in-law is finishing up college and then Mike heads back to college. He went to Full Sail in Florida, a 13 month accelerated program, accredited college to learn more about web design and such. It's a great college to go to.

My oldest, Melissa. She graduated Saturday, December 18, 2010 with her Master's Degree in Occupational Therapy. So very proud! I wasn't able to be there for it but she knows I am very happy and proud of her. She has a husband that is awesome for her! I think the world of my son-in-law. If you knew Melissa, you would understand why. My oldest has always been plagued by Anxiety issues and sometimes Depression. But, she has learned not only how to cope but has gotten the help she needs by getting tested for food allergies, for one. And she actually follows her diet pretty closely. It has helped with her issues quite a bit. It turns out she has learned that many people with the same issues she has grown up with actually have possible food allergies. She is pretty much off of any meds that she had been on.
I am proud of the fact that knowing that this runs in the family on her Father's side, that she doesn't allow herself to fall into that "trap", so to speak.
She has grown up to be a wonderful young lady. She has worked hard to get to where she is at. I remember her growing up, going to school her first day of Kindergarten. That first day she just told me she would be ok and to go home! lol...Here I was worried about her being scared and she tells me to go home! She was in band, was a cheerleader, ran track and played soccer. Her instrument was/is a flute. She plays well, for sure.

These are my three children, Melissa, Michael and Kirsten. The picture that you see there was taken on Thanksgiving, 2010. Just a month ago. I hadn't seen Mel and Mike in over a year. It was good to be together again with them for this Thanksgiving year.
They are wonderful children. And I love them immensely. I am proud of them..Greatly proud of them.

Til Later All,

BlueEyedWonder

Life...Has...Been...Good!

2010-12-07T00:04:00.002-06:00

Ah, marriage...what a strange brew it is!

Can you believe after a little over a year of being married, I'm STILL trying to adjust?? Rick is a good man, that is for sure! He does all he can for me, even spoils me a bit. Now that, I like!

Now, there are times I feel like I'm being smothered. I love my time with my husband, I seriously do, but sometimes, I would rather be myself. I need that 'alone' time. I think I got to used to it when I was single.
He works a 12 hour shift, 6pm-6am, with his shifts being: 3 on 2 off...2 on 3off. He works every other weekend, Fri-Sun. Now, thats not too bad, except, when he is home for three days straight, I feel like I'm going bonkers!! The first day, he sleeps a lot. The second day he is getting his wind. The third day, he is driving me crazy...LOL. I'm ready for him to go back to work.
The only problem is - I hate that I have to sleep alone those nights he's not here.

I'm totally confused! I want him to have a regular work-week. M-F. Off weekends..but I guess you have to take what you have to take at this point. I'll get used to it, I guess. He loves me. I love him. And that's what makes the world go 'round!

School is still going great. As you can see, I've not been on here posting too awful much as I have been busy with a full load at school. This Fall Semester I took: Basic Life Support(I am officially CPR Certified), Software Applications, Introduction to Speech, Introduction to Sociology and Topics in Contemporary Math. (Please, explain this to me: 5x-x-21=0) hehehe...quadratics. Eck. I just made that example up!! It probably has no significance whatsoever.
A full load, is what I had. Now I'm on my Finals. I had my math final and JUST passed it but managed to come out of my math class with a B for a final grade. That is just fine with me!!
I have 3 more finals to do..one by Friday and 2 on Monday. Then a break. Thank God!!
Next semester I'm taking: Physical Science II, Abnormal Psychology, Topics in Contemporary Math II, and Beginning Spanish I. This will be 14 credit hours total. Busy again I will be!!
I'm thinking about one extra class..maybe. But I don't know what yet.

At the same time, I have become a Zumba Instructor. For those of you that do not know what Zumba is: It is a Latin-infused fitness class. It is fun! It is dance/fitness and you do not even know that an hour has passed. That's all it is, 1 hour class. You seriously think, "what? I'm done??" It goes that quickly and you have worked your buns off! You can burn between 500-700 calories in an hour, depending on how difficult the routines, how long the songs..etc. Anyone who hasn't tried it yet, GO! DO IT! YOU WILL LOVE IT!!!
I have actually been doing Zumba for over a year and about a month ago, decided to go ahead and get certified to instruct. I'm glad I did.
So between school and teaching Zumba 4 nights a week(and the time I take to learn 1-2 songs new each week), I keep pretty busy. I've also lost 16lbs since the end of July!!! Woo Hoo!!!

Well, that's all of the update for now. Just know that I am happy and feeling loved!!

Til Later All,

BlueEyedWonder

Where is life taking me?

2010-10-08T14:01:00.003-05:00

You ever wonder where life is taking you? Yeah, we all do! You can't deny it one bit, it happens to every one of us.

I know I sure have been wondering. Still after a year, no job in sight. I have been looking and looking and looking and.......Well, you know how this goes.

So with all of that, I have been wondering where life is taking me. Yes, I'm still in college. Still hitting those books. This being my 5th semester, if you're counting Summer semester. I decided to take a full load this Fall semester and full it is! I am in Speech, Math, Intro to Sociology, Software Applications and Basic Life Support(which was a one day class and I received my CPR card!). So, with it being a full load, I'm kind of glad I don't have a full-time job at the moment..But a part time one would be most helpful.

Hubby keeps telling me to focus on school so I can finally get into the Radiology Program..which, once I do, will be 2 more FULL years including: clinicals! So when that time comes, will I actually be able to even work?? They say it is hard to work and do the program, even though some do it. So, maybe I should listen to said hubby????

But I worry. Still, I feel like, "Where in the hell is life taking me?" "Why is it taking so long?" "Where will we end up?" "When will my daughter learn to drive?" "Will I get into the program this next year?"

I have a sort of back-up plan, but I think I need to make it a more for sure back-up plan.

YIKES!!! Life bites!!!!!

Til Later All!!!

BlueEyedWonder

Teaching Driving...

2010-07-27T22:56:00.002-05:00

Well, my youngest is finally taking a bit to the wheel...of the car. Not much mind you.

I got her permit for her after she turned 15 as here in TN you can either get a drivers permit or take drivers ed. I think I should have opted for drivers ed. She drove with me once right after I got it for her. And after that, not much interest in the art of driving.

Well now, here she is 16 and I have had her out three more times. She is very, very nervous to say the least. I don't raise my voice to her and try to calmly explain procedures and the stopping and looking and well, you know the rest. But she tears up. She is a very sensitive sort of person and she takes to heart what you say to her. (I hope she gets over that as life is not so forgiving)

For her actually to have only been out a few times, she is doing rather well. She scared me just a bit when coming to a couple of stops as it is extremely busy on the road where we live and the drivers here are just not that cautious. To say they are ignorant would be kind.

So, what kind of advice would you give to a mom who was able to teach her two older children how to drive but seems to be incapable of teaching her youngest? Of course, my two older children couldn't wait to drive and were eager to learn.

Maybe that is the difference.

Til Later All!

BlueEyedWonder

The Journey Continues...

2010-07-16T09:26:00.002-05:00

Do you ever think about where life is taking you? I'm sure you do, because I know I do..a lot.

I've been in school for 3 regular semesters and 1 Summer semester. I applied for the program and didn't get in this year. I did get some very good advice from the director to help me out and I'm going to follow it. But it really bothered me more than I thought it would that I have to wait another year.

Then recently I had an interview for a job at the hospital that would have been perfect for me with school. It sounded like I actually had the job but then found out it was given to someone else. I don't know what I did or didn't do in that interview to not get it. And I was really bummed about it. I hate doing interviews, I really do and then for it to fall through was just hurtful. Not angry with the interviewers but with myself for not doing better.

So, I wonder, again, where is life taking me?

I know it's really hard right now to get a job and I am staying in school and taking more classes, the ones recommended to me but I just feel so useless right now. Everything is on my husband right now and I hate that it is. Sure, with me not working I will be able to really concentrate on my studies, which with taking physics(non-calculus) this year I'm going to need all the time I can for studying. But at the same time, I WANT to work. I actually miss working. How funny is that??

My youngest is on her last two years of highschool. I can't believe it. Already that time in her life. And I'm starting to feel that loss, you know what I mean? She is growing up into a beautiful young woman and I am very proud of her! Soon she will be ready to head out on her own and I just hope that I can handle it like I did with my first two.

Well, I guess I'm still on my life's journey. But I wish I knew where it was taking me. If I knew though, would I really like it? If I knew, would I help it along to get there faster? Probably. But if I helped it along, would it really be helpful? Possibly, but then again maybe not. Would I miss out on other opportunities if I helped it along? Again, probably.

So, do I really want to know or just continue on in this journey and be surprised? I think I'd like to be surprised and enjoy the ride with the ups and downs in life. Because even today, I wouldn't be the person I am without them.

Til Later All!

BlueEyedWonder

Life Can Be Very Hard At Times....

2010-06-30T21:34:00.003-05:00

Rick and I, but mainly Rick, was hit with some very sad news this past weekend. His first wife and the mother of his 3 children was found dead last Friday morning.

Two of their children found her on the floor of her bedroom that morning. They called 911 but it was too late.

Her Memorial service was held today.

The children are ages: 19, 16 and 14. So, now we are having to decide whether to bring the younger two back here to live with us or to allow them to continue living with their Nana. These kids have been living in Arizona since they were very small. The youngest being barely a toddler when they went there. It is hard to think of ripping them from what they have known to a place where there is nothing much close by, living with a Father they don't know well and being thrown in with a woman(step mom) and her daughter that they don't know at all.

This has thrown us all for a loop. Decisions to make and not knowing what the right ones are to make. Rick will be flying to see them very soon and take some time to grieve with them and talk of their Mother to them.

I don't know if he realizes how I really feel right now. I'm afraid of having to have children here I don't know and feeling like they will think I'm trying to replace their Mother. Am I being selfish in really not wanting them here and hoping that they will stay with their Nana??? I feel like maybe I am but I don't want to raise another womans children. I know Rick doesn't step in where Kirsten is concerned but it would be hard to have to be around children I don't know and still have to do all the things for them that I do for K and then make them feel like I'm trying to step in.

All I know for sure is he can't even make a real decision until he sits and talks with their Nana. She may not even be in a position to keep the kids and they may have to come here. And even our situation is not the best to bring them into(as far as where we live and the room we don't have).

Their Mother was very young, only 38 yrs of age. She had a lot of health issues from what we understand. Diabetes being one of them and she didn't take very good care of her health and was sickly quite often. But still...From what we understand she died from complications from the diabetes. But for the two youngest to find her like that...I can't even imagine how they really feel. They say they are doing ok but I think they are not as ok as everyone imagines....

Til Later All

BlueEyedWonder

And Life Continues...

2010-06-19T15:17:00.010-05:00

This heat has been so unbearable at times, except for the times when I've been at my bother's house sitting by the pool with my favorite Sister-in-Law. Erika is the best! She and I are so much alike and get along very well..

Rick and I have been spending a lot of time with the family and it's been pretty great. He is so good with our little nephew, who we call Babes, and he is not too much into little kids. Babes is 4 years old and smart as a whip and spoiled beyond belief!! But I love him to death!

You can see in the pictures here Rick is with Babes and the other boy is our nephew George, Babes' brother. And the other picture...well, Rick decided to be Cowboy Rick Shark Rider!!! LOL We had so much fun!! Always do when we are there.

Then there is me with the girls..A night out before my friend Tonya moved to Florida. I miss her SO much! She has been a great friend. (Mekisha, me, Tonya and Jessie). We had a blast! We went to a place called Red Bones. I'd been there one time before and it was pretty decent. We ate several different appetizers. Had "Screaming Orgasms" and "Fuck Me in the Showers" to drink! SO much fun!!! I miss Tonya a lot. She is doing well in Florida and is away from all the drama she was facing here and it is much better for her and her kids. She is in nursing school there and is looking forward to getting done with that! School is some hard work for sure!

Then here is me on a different motorcycle than what we had. It is still a Harley but not a cruiser type. This bike was actually my dad's before he passed away. It was one my brother and I inherited. Of course, I didn't need it at the time and probably wouldn't have ridden it, so my brother kept it. Rode it a little and then it sat for a couple years. Well, he has passed it on to Rick and I because we had to give up the other one and we LOVE to ride! It was really great of him to do that especially because he just never rode it. It's ok but not as comfortable as the bigger one we had. But you do what you gotta do.

I've been out for Summer since the last week of April and decided not to take any Summer classes. Needed a bit of a break from that. I did very well with my Spring classes 2 A's and 1 B. And the B was my fault. I missed a test and didn't see if I could make it up. Oh well, live and learn. I had my Radiography Program Interview on Thursday. I think it went ok. I hope it did anyway. I won't know if I'm in the program until the first week of July when I receive a letter stating yay or nay. I'm thinking positive thoughts on the yay. But it is hard to get in your first year. I'm prepared for classes if I don't get in and will do what I have to to be able to get in next year. Keep me in your prayers!!!! I want this SO badly!!! Radiology just really does excite me! I can't explain it except that I never thought I could be a part of seeing what is inside the body, the structure, the parts...it's just cool!

An old friend, about a month or so ago, actually came to me and asked to be a part of my life again. She apologized to me for wronging me. I was surprised. Although we are talking again, somehow it's not just the same for me. She is still the same drama queen so I don't hang as much but she is cool. It's just kinda weird to be around her and talk with her when we didn't speak for 1 1/2 years....I guess I'm pretty forgiving. You get older and you just see things differently I guess. Of course, she is about 18 years younger than I and maybe learned something. I've learned, I'm just not getting in the middle of things again!

Well, that's all folks!

Til Later All!!!

BlueEyedWonder

2010-05-25T13:56:00.002-05:00

There are so many things to contemplate about getting through this Summer and new classes coming up this Fall.

I don't know yet if I'll get an interview for the Radiography Program..probably not for another week or so. And then if I do, I have to make sure I'm a shining star of some sort. They have interviews every 15 minutes with almost 100 applicants and it's tough to get in the first time around..kind of like nursing.

I'm starting to get apprehensive about the whole situation. I know I shouldn't but it's there nonetheless. They basically look a lot at your grades and your essay and want to know your goals and why you want to be in Radiology. What will you bring with you to the program....basically a lot like a job interview.

I know I've worked hard so far and I know I will work harder still for my future to turn out. Just wish me luck for the very near future!!

Til later all!!

BlueEyedWonder

Spring Semester 2010

2010-05-11T13:52:00.002-05:00

I made it through Spring Semester!! I am so excited at how well I did too!!

I passed Anatomy & Physiology II Lecture and Lab with an A!!!! I really was surprised at how well I did in there for this second part. It was harder in some aspects than the first class last Fall but in others it was just as easy. I did get a hand recorder that I was allowed to use during lecture time that helped me a lot on those tests when they came up.

I passed Music Appreciation with an A. I kind of expected that with that one. It was extremely easy.

And with Health & Wellness, I ended up with a B. Ah, not the perfect A, but at least I DID pass!! That one was a bit harder but I think it was because I did this one online and I believe the Prof. made it harder because of it being online.

I'm hoping to volunteer at the hospital in the Radiology Department because it will help me with getting into the Radiography Program. I may not get in this first time around because I have been told by all those who got in that it is very hard to get in your first year. Of the two girls I was with today, one got in her first year the other had to wait a year. The difference? They believe as I do that the one who got in her first year was the one that had volunteered at a hospital in their Radiology Department and gained some kind of knowledge on her own. I believe that is what they may be looking for when you apply. I'm at least hoping to get to the interview portion and then I will know exactly what they are looking for.

I've been gearing myself up for NOT getting in this year but I still have some hope that somehow I will end up in that program this year. Some coincidence. Some kind of fate. Influence from somewhere. We shall see what we shall see...

Tough stuff at that. I think I will have some kind of back-up plan though. I need to for that just in case.

Til Later All!!

BlueEyedWonder

Casa de Guardino...

2010-04-10T22:10:00.002-05:00

Hello to one and all from the House of Guardino!

We are all doing just great here. The weather has been most wonderful and warm. Sometimes, I'm glad I live in the south!

Hubby just had his 40th birthday yesterday. He all of a sudden felt...old. I told him he is not old. He looked at himself in the mirror and said, "Look at me. My shape is changing. I used to look like this(six pack abs) and now I look like this(a tiny pot belly)." Of course I told him he looks wonderful(and I meant it from the heart). But you know men..and of course us women. He teased me some and said he'd be going through his midlife crisis next. And I of course told him if he did, he might as well not even bother coming back! LOL

It was a very nice evening. We went to dinner with family at Don Julio's and I set up with my sis in law to talk to the server about singing him "Happy Birthday" after we ate. We do have a pic of him in the sombrero. I need to get that from my sis in law and then post it here. He was, let us say, not highly amused. He went along with it for our sake, and yes, even smiled a little. The birthday Sopapilla they brought out was delicious!!

Later we went to the house of friends of my brothers and met them and had a few drinks while there. They seem to be very nice people by the way and so we have a couple of new friends. Their names are Gentry(she) and Mallory(he)(you would think it would be the other way around, but not so.

I have just realized that even though we have friends, we do not really do anything with them. Interesting.

Anyway...the drink she mixed up was rather good. A pitcher filled with Orange Juice and whatever amount of Amaretto you want to place in it with ice. OH! Very good stuff Maynard!!

School is going rather well this semester. I passed Music Appreciation with an A. I'm still in Health and Wellness, but doing well there too. My A & P II class is seeming to be going very well. It's a bit tougher even than last semester, but it looks like I will pass with an A there too. One more test, finals and a research paper and then done. I'm taking the Summer off for classes. I will be waiting to find out in July whether I will be one of the lucky ones to get into the Radiology Program. If I don't, I wait one more year and try again. In that waiting time, I will take some suggested classes to help me along.
Rick and I had a long talk about that. He wants me to get through school and focus on that so that I can get into the career I'm looking to. I will do what it takes to get there. I love this man and how much he supports me in doing what I do.

The only thing I'm concerned about right now is trying to find a new job. I've been laid off since last November and haven't been able to find a thing! I've sent out my resume, filled out applications and had a couple of interviews..but still..nothing. Rick says for me to not worry about that and just get through school. Cool, but I hate not working. I feel so...lazy and useless. He doesn't see it that way. Thankfully. Just supportive...

Well...that's the highlights. Nothing too exciting but still just something on my mind.

BlueEyedWonder

Lies and Lying...

2010-02-23T14:27:00.002-06:00

What is it about people telling lies?

It's not just the outright lies but those exaggerated lies, the hidden lies.

People will tell you, "I'm not doing such and such..." but you find out that behind your back they are. Not only are they doing it but they take the pains to hide it from you.

People will say to your face, "No, of course not! I'd never do that to you" and yet, you find that they have done exactly what they say they wouldn't do.

And the exaggerated lies..those are aren't outright lies because there is a bit of truth to them but they've added to them to keep you from knowing the real truth.

I don't like being lied to. I don't think anyone does. It hurts the one being lied to and the one who is doing the lying, do they really care?

Now the one that is the most confusing is the one where they lie to you to keep from hurting your feelings. Is that one okay, while most lies aren't? I don't know how I stand on that one because sometimes you are wanting to protect someone.

I really sense that I'm being lied to about something and it's hurting me and hurting my relationship. Because with that feeling of being lied to, I have begun to hold a piece of myself away. That's not good. I'm not really sure what to do with this as I've brought up things about how I'm feeling about it but I still seem to get the brush off...

I've trusted someone again and feel like my heart is being stabbed because of it.

ARGH!!! I do not like this at all!!!!

BlueEyedWonder

In Perfect Pessimism

2010-02-11T22:41:00.002-06:00

People… I know, it’s amazing that I might consider complaining about people. All kinds of people. But the truth is, people frustrate me to the end of all ends. Not intentionally, but they just do. It is a continually worsening cycle of annoyance with people that will probably turn me into one of those little old ladies that all the kids hate, because I just sit on my porch all day and yell at them for being potty-mouthed hooligans. But that will be me, and I’m sure there will plenty of kids like that as well.

First of all, it would be nice if people would stop voicing their opinions or beliefs on political matters when they are completely ignorant of facts about the matters in which they are speaking. Also, it would be appreciated if they would not assume that everyone around them shares their same views. If you are going to rant about something, have true information to back up what you are saying about the opposing side, not just what you wish was true. And don’t assume that I automatically agree with you, because after the thoughts I’ve encountered this past week, chances are I will not.

I’m also tired of the masses of rude people everywhere I go. I may write in this cynical tone, but in reality I’m quite friendly to others. I just have a lot of pent up thoughts, due to the negativeness I witness everyday, along with my inability to be rude or hateful to any person’s face. But there is really no reason for anyone out in public to be so hateful or inconsiderate to anyone else. I do what I can to be polite to other people in public. I try not to offend anyone, and I help the elderly people in wheelchairs at the grocery store when they have trouble reaching something. It’s just who I am.

I understand not wanting to physically be at work all the time, but that doesn’t mean you can’t make the best of it while you are there. I never feel like getting up in the morning to go to work, but that does not make me act like a jerk to everyone around me, and I still work hard so that I can feel like I’ve accomplished something for the day.

Everyone is always so hateful for no apparent reason. I know some people are going through rough situations and whatnot that I have no idea about, but I know every single person in the world is not having a personal crisis all the time.I’m tired of all the narcissism I encounter all the time. It’s almost impossible to have conversations with people sometimes, or comment on something someone says, without the other person bringing their own circumstance into the picture. Occasionally I may feel like telling someone about something that happened to me, or something I am going through, without them taking it as an opportunity to tell me about a similar situation of their own, or something they are going through. Maybe that makes me self-centered as well, but considering I rarely get to make those statements about myself because of the egocentrism of everyone else, I’d say that hardly makes me full of myself.

I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m tired. Physically and mentally. I’m sorry to anyone who misinterprets anything I write here, as it’s already happened at least once, but chances are people are looking for something deeper than what is actually here. I am exhausted from working, and frustrated by the things people do.

So, my friends, or acquaintances, go ahead, misinterpret things I say. I will continue on, writing my random thoughts about whatever I feel like, because I am a writer. I do not write to keep a journal, I write to write, hopefully well, and after my rampage of frustration is over I will come up with something more interesting to write.

Spring Semester

2010-01-25T10:25:00.003-06:00

It's the start of another semester of college life.

A & P 2 is the one of choice this semester...You know how much I fretted about A & P 1 last semester and lookee here, I passed with an A!!! I really hope that I'll pass just as well this time. I'm armed with a recorder this time for the lecture class and have decided to buckle down even more for this one.
We'll have a 6 page research paper to do this time around instead of extra tests(I'd rather have the tests! ha ha). Plus 10 daily quizzes..Both of these to make up the extra points we are losing from not having more tests.

Then I have Music Appreciation. Easy filler class. Almost done with it already. It's just read the power points while marking the answers on your study guide questions and then take the test. Pass. Only four tests to do for the class and I have two more to do then I won't have to worry about this one.

I also chose to take a Health and Wellness class. Now, talk about the work to do. Read the chapter, go over the power point lecture, answer review questions, write a 1 page essay from a news article that coincides with the chapter, go to the books website and take the 3 quizzes(t & f, multiple choice and essay) then answer the reflection questions. That's it. Plus take tests. I'll be done by the end of the semester with this one because you can only turn in your work online on the posted dates.

But at least with getting the Music class done, I'll only have these two to worry about!

Today is my 1 year anniversary of meeting my now husband. We met on this day for our first date at 5pm for dinner at a mexican restaurant called "Atzimbas". Wow. I honestly can't believe it's been one year since we met and it's been 4 months of marriage already. Time has really flown by!
I'm still, quite honestly, trying to get used to marriage. My daughter and I were alone for almost 6 years. Sometimes it seems stifling. I don't mean that to be in a bad way but sometimes I think I really need some breathing room! And yet, I love being with my husband. Doing things with him. I can say we are getting more to the point of going and doing our own things again..a little bit anyways. I still hit the gym, do Zumba, now Belly Dance classes, plus of course school. He has become a volunteer firefighter and is working towards getting State Certified!! Once he is certified, he'll be able to work as a firefighter and really be paid!!!

We are looking to move eventually. Would like to get out of this area we are in. But must wait until my daughter graduates. That is only two years away!!! I can't believe it sometimes..my baby will be graduating. She'll be 16 this coming June. One thing about it, I don't think I'll have the Empty Nest Syndrome because I'll still have a child at home...my hubby!!!! LOL Now you know that is true about men!!

Well, I'm off to hear the chapter lecture. Everyone have a most wonderful day and week!

Til Later All!

BlueEyedWonder

Christmas...

2009-12-29T13:01:00.002-06:00

We had a great Christmas celebration. Mine and Rick's first Christmas together. I was so afraid he wouldn't like anything I had gotten him because he is so very picky!

I found out this year that he is actually so picky because as he was growing up, he was a spoiled rich kid. His words, not mine.

What was really nice is that he DID and DOES like what I got for him! Two of the things he had actually said he wanted, the rest I purchased from our conversations this past year. Like a Madd Maxx Trilogy. Interesting, those. I'm not so much a fan of those particular movies but he likes them so....

He got me all I asked for and more...

Family was here in the afternoon. Dinner was a hit. Ham, Green Bean Casserole, Sweet Potatoes, Mashed Potatoes and Gravy....mmmm...SO YUMMY!!

Played some yahtzee. Talked. Watched some football.

All in all...a very good Christmas Day!!

Til Later All

BlueEyedWonder

Life..

2009-12-28T15:25:00.003-06:00

I still can't believe, after 3 months, that I'm married. I'm headed into my 3rd semester of college in January and I'm actually passing!!

I've been busier than I can imagine and yet not at the same time. I got laid off just before Thanksgiving. But am hoping that either my brother's business will pick back up or I'll finally get into a job that will involve something medical. As in, medical receptionist or something.

At least it would give me some experience with the medical field and I know that is what they will be looking at when I send in my application to get into the radiography program. Although, I do have a back up plan just in case.

I have enjoyed being married and at the same time, it is not all I was looking for either. I love this man that is my husband but I feel like I'm being smothered. Maybe it is just me and maybe not. He might even be feeling smothered, I don't know. Since we met and married, I haven't been out to go dancing since late March. We haven't even gone out for a drink or two. Part of the reason we don't go out to dance is because, he doesn't care to dance unless he's had a bit too much to drink and I won't dance with some other man that is not my husband. I just feel that isn't right. I haven't even been out with my girls since sometime in the summer because I just feel weird being a married woman out with single women.

Did I sign up to give up some of me? I think even though you don't think you will, you do. You give up a part of who you are because there is someone else to think of in your life. I don't want to give up who I became but I feel like I have at times. I'm still doing a lot of my own things but I miss other things I gave up.

I believe that in the grand scheme of things I have an added plus in my life. Someone who loves me very much and would do anything I asked...if I would but only ask.

To college...I passed all of my classes this Fall Semester with A's!!!!! My GPA is now at 4.0. Although, from what I have read, GPA's don't count for much when looking for a job. Now employers want to know you have that piece of paper that says, "Diploma", but as to the GPA, it does not matter so much. It may not matter to employers so much but I am ECSTATIC about that 4.0..I've never in my life had that kind of GPA!!!! I really did not think of myself as that smart/intelligent.

I enjoyed A & P immensely and number 2 hits this Spring. I hope I'll enjoy it just as much this next semester as I did this Fall. I think what will help me even more is that my dear hubby got me a voice activated recorder for Christmas so that I'll be able to go over lectures before tests...Awesome!!

I hope everyone had a great Christmas this year and that 2010 will be a greater year for us all!!!!!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!!!

Til Later All,

BlueEyedWonder

The Right Thing...

2009-11-07T22:29:00.002-06:00

We just finished studying about Aristotle's Golden Mean.

"Doing the right thing at the right time in the right amount"

Is it really possible to do the right thing at the right time in the right amount at all times?

I'm not sure about that. Think about it. If you are in one extreme you are being excessive but if you are at the other extreme you are in vice. I spoke about honesty. The right amount is being honest. The extreme is to be excessively honest. The vice is lying. Now, my question is: What is the right amount of honesty?
If you are too honest, people will wonder about you. If you are never honest then you have a reputation of dishonesty. But what is the mean? That sweet spot, so to speak, of honesty?

Someone you know that you haven't seen in awhile comes in to a room and you say, "Wow, you sure have gained some weight since I last saw you!" Well, even if it is true, should you be that honest? But if you aren't honest then you are a dishonest person.
Is there a point of being honest without being hurtful? When it comes to telling the truth or being honest with someone, when do you know where the mean is? That happy median?

According to Aristotle, you will know. Just like the artist who is painting a great piece, he knows when to stop. If he doesn't, it will mess up the beautiful piece.

Sometimes I think these ethical/moral theories are talking in circles but they certainly can make sense at the same time. Seems to me you can take a little bit from here and a little bit from there and make it work.

I have been enjoying the class. We will soon be doing some writing on media ethics, business ethics, and several other topics. I think this will be most interesting.

Til Later All!

BlueEyedWonder

Reflection...

2009-10-21T11:28:00.002-05:00

I was just over at another blog reading her posts...you know who you are Charmaine! And was just mulling over the one about men and how they seem to get over a relationship so quickly.

It is very true. They do seem to. At least the ones that I know have and do. I'm thinking though that these men really don't so much as they do feel the need to hide their feelings/emotions.

I know a man that can't stand it when I cry. One, because he says it's just showing I'm a sissy. Two, because he can't stand to think it's because of him or something he did that's made me cry. As insensitive as that may sound about him, he is sensitive to me when I do. Strange, isn't it?

I believe that those men I do know, I mean are good friends, do hurt even if they don't show it. I believe they go through loss just as we women do, but definitely in private. Some of those same men may share with a good woman friend. But I've also known men who could really care less about you. They do just move on. They have this philosophy that there are "Five more out there just like you". Those are the players and eventually I'm thinking many of those same men will grow old alone.

I'm glad I met and married the man I did because for all of his quirks and sometimes insensitivity, I see in him a man that is sensitive, caring, loving and strong. There is more to him than he'll admit to. He has a heart that is feeling even though he thinks not.

Just a bit of reflection...

Til Laters All....

BlueEyedWonder

My Daughter Melissa's Wedding...

2009-10-19T14:19:00.006-05:00

My Beautiful Daughter's Wedding Day, October 2, 2009

It was a beautiful day. As you can see by the pictures my daughter Melissa made a beautiful bride. Her new husband's name is Dan. He is an exceptional man for her and I know he will take very good care of her and all of her quirks!

You can see I'm in a photo with her and her Father. You see Rick and I at a table with my ex and his wife. The Parents Table. Dan's parents were somewhere..
The two young children were the Flower Girl and the Ring Bearer. The girl is my niece, Ilee and the young man is my nephew, Babes.
A picture of my Son Mike and my daughter Melissa..aren't they handsome and beautiful?
A picture of me with both of my daughters: Melissa and Kirsten
Melissa after getting her hair done for the wedding.
Melissa with her siblings and her husband Dan with his sister.
Melissa in black and white keeping the roses in pink.
Rick and I all dressed up!
Melissa with the groomsmen.
Mel and I right after the ceremony.
Mel with the groomsmen and they look like they were going to take a piss!!!! LOL
The wedding party.
Melissa before the ceremony.
The Ice Sculpture.
Their first dance.
Sharing their vows.
The wedding party with the flower girl and ring bearer.
The bouquet.

I know, I told them to you backwards...but, oh well...I'm a backwards kind of person! haha

The wedding was beautiful. The reception lots of fun. Somewhere there is a pic or two of Rick and I dancing. We had a wonderful time but it was a very quick trip.

We left on a Wednesday night and arrived Thursday morning. Slept a few hours and went to rehearsal and dinner. I was up and moving around 7am to meet Melissa at the hair dressers and for brunch. Then we were off to to the center to get dressed and make-up on.

I did Melissa's make-up and helped with her getting dressed. She was pretty nervous and had to keep peeing. So off with the dress, on with the dress, off with the dress, on with the dress....LOL...Then bustling her up after the ceremony!

I have only 1 more to go and I hope she waits for a very long time!!! haha

Til Later's All!

BlueEyedWonder

Continuing Education...

2009-10-09T11:33:00.003-05:00

Ah, life in continuing education.

College is going well this Fall Semester. So far. As you know I am in Anatomy and Physiology with a Lab class attached to it.
There has been a lot of information to take in and we actually do one test for every two chapters in the lecture class. My first test went rather well, I think except for the fact that the Professor let us know that because it was the first test she didn't expect us to do all that well. So what do you think happens when you have that put into your brain?

Of course, you just don't do as well as you would like to. My husband was partially right on that one. I did let that sink into my brain and let it brain wash me into not doing so well. On top of that I missed part of the lecture on Chapter 2, Chemistry, and even though I did pass the test with a 76% (an equivalent of a C) I'm sure I could have done better. The second test on Chapters 3 & 4 went much better: I received an 86%!! Which of course gave me a B. Now that really made me happy!

Our next test is on Histology. One whole chapter to take a test on. The study of Tissues. Epidermis. Dermis. Subcutaneous. Then there is Skeletal, Smooth and Cardiac. So many tissues and layers and functions!!! So I'm studying hard for this one. Two days later is my 1st Lab Exam. This one is on Eleven Chapters of Lab. Eleven Chapters!!!! And out of these eleven chapters there will be only, 43 questions. But what will those questions be? I have to know where to label certain parts of the body. If she asks that. I have to be able to label, possibly, a cell. Or the layers of the skin(integumentary system). Know your microscope and how it works! Just...oh so much information!!!

I think my mind is getting more and more full as I go along...

Medical Terminology Class is going very well. I have an A in that class. Wowsers!!!! Then there is my Ethics Class. Now that is really interesting. Reading about the different morality theories. Kant, Bentham, Mills, Socrates, Aristotle...I never realized how you can take a little bit from each theory and make it work!
With all of these possibilities to put into practice, Using your Reason, I believe is the part that works. Think a bit before you do something. How will it affect others? Etc.. Didn't think much of the Hedonic Calculus that Bentham came up with. How can you measure happiness or pleasure? Not with numbers...

So far, school is going well. I'm enjoying it more than I thought possible. Well, except when you have 4 assignments due at the same time!!! And that's gonna happen...

I would say to anyone that is thinking about going to school when they are adults, DO IT!! It is well worth it and especially if you are wanting to further your career or change it.

Til Later All!!!

BlueEyedWonder

Promised Pics...

2009-10-08T21:19:00.006-05:00

Just a huggin away!!!
My bouquet, our rings and license
He has one HUGE hand!!!

Cake sharing

Me, Rick and Kirsten
During the ceremony Playing a little bit
Our cake During ceremony
Just me

Okay!! So I've finally posted a few pics of our wedding...

It still seems so surreal that Rick and I are finally married! I know, I know..we've been together, living together for quite sometime before we got married. But it somehow feels different. Well, it does but it doesn't. Does that make sense?

It seems like, we've just ALWAYS been together.

Is it possible that we really were always meant to be but had these detours in our lives until the right moment? Without these detours, would we have met? If we had not come to this place, Tennessee, when we had...WOULD we have met because we were DESTINED to?

Ah, questions for the mind to ponder, eh??

Til Later All!!
BlueEyedWonder

Oh and Another Surprise for You All!!!

2009-09-28T14:38:00.001-05:00

I got married Eight days ago!!!

Pictures and story to soon follow!!!!!

Laters!

BlueEyedWonder

Nervousness

2009-08-21T14:20:00.002-05:00

Being engaged seems like it has change something for me..
I'm scared to death about getting married!

I keep asking him "are you sure you want to marry me?" like I'm not really sure it's what he wants..when I think it's actually me that is scared about it.
The thing is, I'm certain I want to marry him but now that it is coming up closer(we've picked a day!!!)I'm getting nervous about it.

I ask myself, what will change once we get married? I honestly hope that nothing changes. Although I know some things will. It's just that I don't want to let the important things change.

I know we are very comfortable with each other but I don't want us to "become comfortable". You know what I mean?

There are things that have come up in our conversations that I realize we have very different points of view on and we don't agree on each others beliefs or way/why we believe it should be but have learned to compromise.
But the fear is there that the compromises will fail. Or maybe the compromises will be used against the other person to make sure that other compromises are made.

Wow....I'm really afraid for sure....

But I know this is what I want at the same time...To be the wife of this man...

Til Later All...

BlueEyedWonder

Another Success!!

2009-08-07T14:19:00.002-05:00

I am proud of myself yet again!
That is all right to be proud of oneself, is it not? I am proud of myself in that I have once again passed the hated math that I needed to take for college!
Yes, I went on to my last 4 modules for the Summer Semester and I have passed it with an overall grade of a B.

Me, who has hated math with a vengeance, passed it! I had less weeks to get it done then the initial 4 that I did during Spring Semester. And of course I kind of pushed it back or tried to just because I can not stand math. I finished my last 2 1/2 modules in two weeks.

Let me tell you, that was a lot of homework to get done and review, and practice test and then final test for each one. My last test was just yesterday, Thursday and I passed it with a B.

So now, I am completely done with math. Now to focus on my next classes which start August 29th. I'm taking Anatomy & Physiology 1, Medical Terminology and Introduction to Ethics. Let's see how well I can do...

Til Later All!!

BlueEyedWonder

Surprise!!!!!!

2009-07-27T14:51:00.005-05:00

Hello all!!! I know, I know...it's been about a month since I last reported in! But, such is the life of busy-ness...Nah..let's call it what it is..LAZINESS!!

Okay..so, you've seen a bunch of pics up here with no explanation so here goes:

On July 11th, we headed up towards St. Louis, MO for a weekend trip. Mainly the weekend trip was for Rick and I as we were actually transferring my daughter to another car to finish her trip for a week up in Iowa. (Nothing but corn she said..lol)
So, on Rick and I went to St. Louis!! My first trip there ever and we went up into the famous Arch. Loved it!!!! 630 feet up in the air in a little tram car(which you can see a pic of me sitting in) and we had five adults in that thing! Talk about claustrophobic!! But it was a blast!!! You can see a few pics of the arch and there is a pic of the north leg of it. I took a pic looking down from one of the windows of the Arch.
The one with Rick standing underneath the arch, I took that while laying on the ground looking up. Cool, eh?
The water was wonderful that day. I played in it a little bit. The fountains and such are pretty much open for the public to walk in if they so choose. I did. It was fun as you can see from the pic. And after all the walking we did, I needed that!!! LOL
We stayed at the old Union Train Station that is now a museum with a Marriott Hotel inside of it. It had a mall as well inside. It was the most amazing thing. The architecture inside and out. Beautiful. The history of it was awesome. If you ever get a chance to stay in St. Louis, stay at the Train Station.

While there another most amazing thing happened. Rick asked me to marry him. I know right? I was totally surprised!!!!! That is my ring you see in the last picture up there. Of course I said yes!! I seriously had no idea he was going to pop the question to me. I am very happy to be engaged to this man even though we have not known each other too many months..Just 6 months now that we have been together.
And as I have said before, this just "is right". He is still wonderful and amazing and treats me very well. Better than any man I've met before.

School is still going well. I've only got 2 weeks left for Summer semester. Then my Fall Semester starts Aug. 29th. Hope it still goes well then. I'll have A & P, Intro to Ethics and Medical Terminology to deal with this fall....So continue to wish me luck!! I need all I can get!!!

That's the latest update.....

Til Later All!!

BlueEyedWonder

Pictures...

2009-06-30T14:12:00.005-05:00

Today...I'm going to post some random pics of me, my daughter and my other kids..family too I guess...

I think I've changed a lot in the past 3 yrs. Let's see how much.....
Me....2006

Kirsten...2006

Us...early 2007

Me...Feb or Mar 2007

My brother Harvern and my oldest, Melissa...Feb 2007

Me..Mid 2007

Kirsten...2004

My mom, me, brother Harvern and sis in law, Erika...Thanksgiving 2005

Well, enough random pics through the past...

You've seen my most recent so no need for more...I think I've changed quite a bit...but..maybe not.

Til Later All!!

BlueEyedWonder

Life is still moving on....

2009-06-24T13:26:00.009-05:00

Hello everybody!! I know it's been awhile since my last post, which was a rather sad one. My friend is still not sure about her nephew's death, how it transpired. But they had sent the body in to have an autopsy. The bad part of it is, It could take 6 weeks to get the results and really know what happened.

There really hasn't been a lot to tell of late. But I must say that I did pass my last math test. After taking it twice, I passed it! I'm on to my next module and about halfway thru the Summer session of it. I'm working on graph's now and I must say, I do not like these either. I still find no use for the math I am doing and how it will help me in radiology. All the college wants is to make sure that I can do math. That's my understanding. I even have some women in my class that are going to be nurses, and pharmacists and this particular math has nothing to do with what they are going into. Again, just having to know math. On July 1 or 2 I believe, I will start a four week class of introduction to Human Anatomy and Physiology. It is more of a class to help me with studying for the actual class. I start that class in the fall. Plus I am taking Introduction to Ethics and Medical Terminology. I thought the Med. Term. class would be helpful in understanding what I may have to read, and we all know how bad a doctor's handwriting is!!!
I'm still rather very nervous about taking the classes. Any of them and especiallly math. I am so afraid I am just not going to cut it and that I will fail the math. My nerves are so shot with this thinking and I have had nightmares to the fact that I will fail and that I am not good enough to do it. Seriously, in one of the dreams, 2 people from the college(no faces here) came to me and sat down with me and told me this: "why bother with this class? You are going to fail it anyways because you just can't do it!" Oh my gosh!! The next morning and all that day I was so depressed. You realize that I am feeling this thing so I am now dreaming it! I even find reasons to procrastinate when it comes to doing my math homework. Not good.
Yes, I am trying to come out of this funk. Have to. Need to. August 6th is my deadline and if I don't pass it, I'll have to take these last 4 modules again...No fun.

Well, my boyfriend is now working like crazy. He delivers asphalt of varying types to companies that do the roads. Anyhow..It has started up well and he is BUSY!! He gets up anywhere form midnight to 3 am and starts off to work. Sometimes he's home by noon and sometimes he doesn't get home until almost 7pm. Driving a loaded semi, is hard work! He drives to Nashville, Memphis or Parsons to pick up the loads and then takes them anywhere from an hour to two hours to the destination and then has to drive back for more loads. And with todays' work, he may not even be able to come home tonight! That really sucks!!!! We try not to complain too much because the money is good and he has a job..but I hate having to sleep alone for most of the night and I miss him horribly!!! This goes on until usually late October. And it's going to get worse after the 4th of July. I'd hate to think of it being worse than it is now......

On June 13th we went canoeing. It was a family time. We had a bunch of fun with it. I'll post some pics for you to see. We had a blast! There was only one bad thing that happened while we were out, not to us but to some fellow canoe person. There is a place where everyone stops to jump off of 'The Cliff'. It is normally a lot of fun..Although, I myself do not jump from it as I am afraid of heights. Ok, so we are watching everyone jump and my boyfriend and my brother did their jumps, which were pretty awesome...and there was a guy that dove head first into the river. Well, it's not really a known depth there and most people will hit their bottoms or push up with their feet. This guy that dove in hit his head. Bad. It was not only cut open, but his skull was pushed in. Bleeding badly. My brother went to check him out and said it was extremely bad. The guys wife went for help, I think paddling back to where we saw people camped with their horses. He had a towel wrapped around his head and he was sitting up talking and such and there were so many people hanging around him to 'get a look', it was awful.
We really do not know how he is or when they were able to get him help out there. Other than this happening, we had a lot of fun.
We had gotten almost to the end of our trip down the Buffalo River and had stopped to eat a bit and just relax out of the canoe when we saw this canoe tipped over. It was kind of funny cuz the guys wife got PISSED! We don't really know how it tipped but are supposing the man was pretty drunk and wasn't doing very well in controlling the canoe. Anyways, my boyfriend saw the guys wife just chewing him out, running him over the coals. I don't think the guy cared too much, didn't seem to anyways. When they finally started to leave she wouldn't do anything to help him get the canoe going. She just stood there. Once they were in, they were still going backwards down the Buffalo..it was hilarious! You could see on her face that she was still pissed. Well, they did lose a few things down the river when it tipped...
My brother and boyfriend both did the rope jump off a smaller cliff. I think I'm going to try that one next time. I hate the climb up because there really isn't anything to climb up that helps you. Unless you have strong arms and can pull yourself up by the other rope and climb a wall. Otherwise you move down and climb the wall with some very shaky,hard to find handholds. I have a couple of pics of him letting go of the rope and dropping into the water.

In order here:
My brother, Harvern and sis in law, Erika( H & E), my mom and I(yes, I have Tostito's!), Rick and I(I'm still hanging on to the Tostito's), E, my nephew Babes, Rick having let go of the rope and dropping into the river, Me with that bag of Tostito's(I was eating Spinach Dip man!! The whole day!), Rick in the water with the nephew(of course, my nephew kept saying,'I'll save you Rick!!").
It was a great day and looking forward to our next trip...Next time, I'm wearing my swimsuit! LOL...Oh horrors and joy!!!

Good news, my baby girl is back home for the rest of the Summer!!! Rick and I went and picked her up on Saturday the 20th. We had a great time bringing her home. Yesterday, I took her and myself for haircut appts. She looks pretty cool. Here is a pic of her hair...
Sorry that you see the 'toilet' in the pic but this is where she takes her pics because of the mirror. LOL... Her hair has black on the longer parts you can't see. It looks very cool. When the girl was rinsing her hair, the blonde looked almost Cheesecake colored. Actually it was so flourescent looking that she probably could have lit up her room in the dark!!! LOL..Of course, Amy toned it down. Love my daughters hair...

Well, that's the update for now. Hope you all have a great week!

Til Later All!

BlueEyedWonder

Death....

2009-06-10T13:13:00.002-05:00

Today...

I just found out that one of my good friends nephew passed away.

She found him Sunday morning. Tried to wake him up and he wouldn't. She tried to revive him, but it was too late.

They are saying it might have been an overdose. But not sure.

His name was Cody and he was only 18 yrs of age. Thought he was doing better. Had started College..seemed to be doing well. I guess we will never really know.

This is such a sad time for her. It makes one think...really think about things....

Please pray for my friend Jennifer.

BlueEyedWonder

Worry....

2009-06-09T10:31:00.003-05:00

Worry: to torment oneself with or suffer from disturbing thoughts; fret. a worried condition or feeling; uneasiness or anxiety.

These are just two of the seven definitions of worry. I'm trying to decide if I'm tormenting myself or if I'm just feeling the uneasiness and/or anxiety of things.

There have been many circumstances in my life where I can say that I know when the worry I feel is well placed. And this is one of those times.

I feel like I am in the middle of something where I have no control and I don't know what I am supposed to do. Or how if I'm suppose to do anything about it. The thing is, if I don't DO something, there will be something lost. I am going crazy inside and I can't say anything out loud because I feel it will just jinx everything else.

I am looking from the outside in and yet live on that inside at the same time. I feel like my hands are tied and if something doesn't break soon, we will all be lost.

I worry for my mother the most. We are doing all we can to help her but do not know what else to do. There is stress on her like I've never seen before on her in my lifetime. My brother and I are doing all we can to relieve her of this stress but we have families too. What is one supposed to do????? We still do all we can without leaving our own families behind and uncared for.

I have worries that are piling on top of me and I can't just keep closing my eyes. These worries, sometimes I try to share..but am holding inside because then the worries will be on another and I don't want that...I/we've been in tougher spots before..but I wonder if we'll come out of this one.....

I know, I'm speaking in circles. Wanting to share what the worry is but unable to right now. I guess it's enough right now to just 'talk' it out on here.

To tell you the truth right now.....I am very afraid.

Til Later....

BlueEyedWonder

The Swing of Things....

2009-06-08T13:37:00.001-05:00

Trying to get back into the swing of things again...

Back to the grind of classes...

At least for now it's just math but....I've only got until Aug. 6th to complete these next four modules...And OMG!!! What the heck is a Trinomial?????? AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I think....I'm going to......Futz!!!!!!!!!!

Til Later All!!!!

BlueEyedWonder

Swirling Thoughts...

2009-06-02T13:06:00.002-05:00

I was laying in bed the other night..and I had so many thoughts going through my mind.

I got to thinking, "Was it possible to feel some kind of regret for things that happened in the past?" I have always kept to the thought of, "Never regret but learn from your mistakes." Which I hope is something that I follow. But as I kept laying there, I really began to wonder, have I learned from my mistakes?

I've begun to see that I'm beginning to give up something of myself lately. That something is 'me'. Do you understand what I am saying?

When I was in my first marriage, I became everything to everybody else and lost who I was. I was a wife and mother. Then I was a Youth Volunteer. I became the proverbial soccer mom. I did for everyone else but me. And during the past six years since my divorce I finally was doing for 'me'. The only other I thought about and took care of was my daughter. I let my heart become hard and bitter during these years. I had to so that I could do what I needed for me and her.

I'm not sure if the 'regret' thing belongs with what I'm talking about but in a sense I think it does. Because of how I began to feel before my divorce I had begun to do things that would be hurtful to those around me and I didn't care at that time. Now, I look back and see it wasn't good. So, do I regret it? I'm not sure. Because if I were to regret it then I would begin to live in the past and not see that I have had a better future because I began to learn from the mistakes I made.

Now, here I am in a new relationship. One that I wasn't expecting but one that came because I believe now is the time for this man to be here in my life and heart. With that in mind, I have begun to see that I do not want this relationship to be what the old one was. I see the mistakes I made and do not want to make the same ones but fear that I am. The big mistake I don't want to make is losing 'me' again. I do the things I do now in this relationship because I really 'want' to not because I 'have' to. But in all the giving I am doing, will I be taken for granted? Will I allow that to happen to me again?

Again in my previous marriage, I was taken for granted. I did everything because he wouldn't or didn't (Long story). And then I stopped doing and began to find me and that's when it hit me that I didn't belong in that marriage. When I stopped to think about it, that marriage was more a marriage of convenience...I stayed married because of the kids..until that day I realized I couldn't do it anymore...Do any of you understand??

With this relationship...it seems so different..I feel so different. Like this is what it's all about. What real love is supposed to be like...whatever that is. I guess it may be different things to different people.

I just know I do not want to make the same mistakes...I do not want to regret mistakes but learn from them. I don't want to lose 'me' again.

Oh, to just keep life in perspective....It is hard work....But well worth it when the right one comes along...

Til Later All!!

BlueEyedWonder

(still think my thoughts are swirling, ever swirling..)

Tishimingo State Park

2009-05-27T15:14:00.003-05:00

Rick and I Rick with a Lil' Cap'n in him!

Just me coming back down..a little blurry..

A little fall.. The Swinging Bridge

Surfer dude... Just hanging around..

Had a great time at the park yesterday..We went on a couple small trails and climbed a rock or two...But it was fun! I enjoy the moments we are together and the fun we have..

This coming up weekend I think we are headed to "The Land between the Lakes"...A much needed weekend of just the two of us...

Last weekend we had to drop off Kirsten to her father for her Summer visit...miss my girl!!

Til Later All!

BlueEyedWonder

The Scare of Swine Flu...

2009-05-20T13:32:00.002-05:00

As I was telling Optimistic Cynicism in my comment to her blog on her sick child and the worried grandmother, my daughter had come down with the case of the flu about a month ago.

She had gone to a non-prom party on a Saturday and while there, she became ill. Although I didn't really know it until the next day. She ended up staying home on Monday from school and she slept a LOT on Sunday and Monday. She tried to go to school on Tuesday but I ended up picking her up. I called her doctor and got her in.
Everyone kept saying to me, "I hope its not the swine flu." I wasn't worried that it was. But I was worried none the less as this child of mine rarely gets sick.

So I take her in and they check for strep and take some blood work. The doctor assures me it isn't swine flu. She gets a shot which knocked her out within 20 minutes! She was falling asleep on the way home. I had gotten her a note from the doctor and stopped by the school to drop it off as she wouldn't be back in to school til Thursday. Well, when I dropped off the note, the secretary was asking me how she was and I told her she had the flu. She looked at me and tried to ask, "She doesn't have the, uh.....?" And I wanted to giggle because I think she thought it would offend me.
I was like no..the doctor assured me it wasn't and not to worry that it was. I could actually see the relief on the secretaries face! lol

Well, by Thursday, my daughter still wasn't any better. I took her back to the doctor and she got another shot. And another note. Out of school til Monday.

By Saturday, she was stir crazy. Being cooped up in the house and all. Even the computer didn't appeal to her any longer! Now that is funny! So Rick and I took her to Jackson. In the rain. We thought it was going to be a disaster day. It started out that way. But, it was all right and we had tons of fun. She was ready to be out and about. All better now.

Now, as to the story on my niece and swine flu that I promised. My niece, Ronnie, she went to her mom and dad(my brother) and was asking them about the swine flu and what some of the symptoms were.
Well....they decided to tell her that when people get the swine flu, they start snorting like a pig...(You all know what a pig sounds like!!) And if it gets really bad they start squealing...And she believed them!!! The girl is 17 yrs of age!! It was too funny!

It took her a bit to realize they were pulling her leg...but in the meantime, it was hilarious!

Til Later All!

BlueEyedWonder

Just couldn't resist.....

2009-05-19T14:29:00.002-05:00

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. -- Terry Pratchett

Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible. -- Stanislaw Lem

I caught these two quotes today and thought they seemed absolutely appropriate for this moment....

Til Later All!

BlueEyedWonder

Ah...Relationships...

2009-05-18T12:19:00.000-05:00

Seems that there are so many things to learn in a relationship. Or take from a relationship past.

When I was a teenager, dating was a fun time and an exhausting time. You think you are 'in love' so many times over when in actuality, you realize as an adult it wasn't REAL love but maybe 'lust' or the proverbial 'puppy-love'. We've all been there at one time or another. And it was devastating when you broke up.

Then you finally meet 'that one' and think, 'yep, this is the one I will marry', which I did. The thing is, this one didn't last either. He and I lived together for 2 1/2 yrs, got pregnant and then married. We stayed married for almost 22 yrs. and was divorced before what would have been our 22nd. anniversary.

From that relationship I learned that communication was going to have to be key, if and when I got into the next relationship. I couldn't work it all by myself in this relationship but I did. I did because I had to. I don't want to and will not work by myself to keep a relationship going. It has to be both partner's willing to do the work or the relationship will die.

I've learned that I can't go to bed angry with my partner. It's not good for either one to do this. I used to do it a lot with my ex. This is another area where communication is key. Talk the problem out before you go to bed. Try to get to a point where you are no longer angry but you might have to take a break until you've been able to 'sleep on it'. But don't let the problem die before you can work it out because if you don't solve it, it will come back and you'll be right back at point A.
Don't belittle your significant other in front of people or to others. It takes away their sense of self-worth. Whether you realize it or not, it hurts a lot. I've had it done to me(from a guy I dated for a bit) and I did it to my ex. I never realized how hurting it was until it happened to me.
Be open and honest about what you are thinking. Don't hide it from your significant other. I wasn't with my ex nor any one I dated for a time. I finally came to a point in my life where if I wasn't, I would be stepped on or left behind. Yes, sometimes the honesty can hurt but you have to know how and when to say whatever needs to be said. And then work things out together.

I know there are many more lessons I learned but these are the ones that come foremost to my mind. And it still all boils down to: COMMUNICATION.

I want to take these lessons learned into this relationship that I am in now because we are getting quite serious. We have talked so much in these 4 months and still we are learning a lot about each other. It will take a lifetime I'm sure to know all there is to know. But I know that communication has been our biggest factor.

I asked him the other day what was the most important thing he was looking for from me, and he said: Love, understanding and patience. He has told me that he has actually tamed down a lot since meeting me, as far as the kind of person he has always been. I still see sides of that person he was but not anything like he said he had been. The wonderful thing I hear from him is that he never wanted to try so hard, work so hard in a relationship as he has with me.

I'm trying to not have certain 'expectations' because that seems to lead to failure..but I wonder at times if there shouldn't be some kind of expectations? Or maybe it's just goals that are needed?

I really do hope to be married to this man one day. I know there are still a lot of things to work through, mainly on his part. And he and I need to actually be together, on our own, with our own place to know if this will work. The thing is, I WANT to work hard for this relationship. I do not expect for it to go bad or later on decide it's not working for me.

I have found that I love this man deeply and I'm at a time in my life where I know the seriousness of what a relationship means. And the hard work it takes to keep it alive. I know I am willing. He has told me he is in this for the forever and is willing to work hard too.

I know I've never met a man like him. He is gentle with me and yet fun and teasing..You should see us wrestling!! LOL...too funny!! He is straight forward and honest about what he thinks and how he feels. And, I know you won't believe this but he actually told me not too long ago how I could tell if he was telling me an exaggeration or lie....Now, how many men would let you in on a secret like that? And yes, I have caught him not telling a TOTAL truth...(although I think he was testing me to see if I'd catch him or not!)...yeah, he told me part of the truth but tried to keep the rest from me..but I caught it!! lol...And then he did tell me the whole....I'll be keeping an eye out for that one!!! ;)

But as I said...I'm willing, very willing to make this work for FOREVER!

Til Later All!

BlueEyedWonder

2009-05-14T14:09:00.002-05:00

Wow what a Thursday morning!

This day started out with a BANG!!

I was actually up at my normal time getting ready for work and my daughter getting ready for school. And of course the sky decided to open up and pour upon us a deluge...Ah, the rain. Nothing but rain it seems of late. Quite a bit of flooding in areas surrounding us but nothing to speak of for us. Other than seeing the Tennessee River up and a little flooding over that where they have houses on stilts next to the river. I need to get pictures of that.
I'd like to see some flooding where the barges are actually in the field nearby us because of the flooding being so extensive that that is where they end up. I've heard stories of that having already happened before. Too funny!

Anyway this morning...I'm driving my daughter to school as I do every morning and of course it was raining. So you know it's a bit slick out and you need to take a little extra precaution on wet pavement. As I was coming up to the area in front of the Highschool that my daughter attends, I could see that traffic was pretty deep at that point. The line was long in the turn lane for turning into the school.
Well, I take my place in line trying not to hit the guy in front of me because it came up so quickly. And as I look in my rear view mirror, I saw it coming. This rather large black pick-up truck coming up a bit quickly and trying, maybe, to slow down. Well, I tried to get out of the way as I just did not want to get rear ended but there was no place to go.
The truck in front of me, I did not want to hit either. So I was trying...Well, I think I was kind of moving but hitting my brakes at the same time so I wouldn't get the guy in front of me (and no time it seemed to warn my daughter), I was hit!
OUCH! It wasn't an adult that was driving the vehicle. It was the teenage daughter. She couldn't have been more than 17. Maybe.

Kirsten and I both went forward and then back. Not just our necks/heads but our whole bodies moved..My air bag did not deploy, which was probably a good thing. But it seems at this point that neither of us is really hurt..but we'll see in the next couple of days..

My car: The bumper guard was damaged, my trunk lid is off kilter, my back drivers side door is not opening and closing correctly and the tail light on that side kind of popped out. From what the guy said at the body shop it just pushed everything forward. The nice thing he said about my car is, "it looks great for how old it is". I have a dark green, 2000 Saturn SL1. I have had it for 6 yrs now and it has been a great little car, despite the fact that I need a new head liner for it. I've never had an accident in it, til now. And thankfully nothing serious.

But, I miss my car! The other peoples insurance company got me a rental! I'm driving a Fire engine red Impala!! Lots of bells and whistles in that one! I like dat!! LOL

No one was hurt physically but I think the little girl that hit me was feeling very scared and upset. I'm hoping she's just fine. Oh yes, the girl said she didn't see my brake lights. lol. The police officer had me push my brakes to make sure I had them, and lo and behold, "How did you not see these?"...LOL. She said, well, I'm needing to get my glasses...etc...Now tell me something, someone who needs glasses, should they NOT be driving til they have them? I would think so!!!

Well, no one was seriously hurt at least. Thankful for that.

Til Later!

BlueEyedWonder

Final Grades for my First Semester...

2009-05-12T13:51:00.000-05:00

Woo Hoo!!!!!!!

I did SO good!!!!!

Psych. - A

English Comp 1 - A

Math - B

How's about that?

I am very proud of ME!!!

Til Later!

BlueEyedWonder

The Weekend..

2009-05-11T11:00:00.002-05:00

Ah..the beautiful weekend...

It was full of.....Rain. lol

Actually it was a nice weekend, considering the rain. On Saturday, after a hard week of work or rather a week of just work, Rick and I took off for Tupelo, MS. With all of the rain we've had I was surprised that we decided to take a day just for us.

Being cooped up in an office, having gotten sick for almost 2 days during the week and all of this dreaded rain, I surprised myself by wanting to go. But I needed it. He needed it. WE needed it.

So, he said to me on Friday,"We need to get away this weekend. Just you and I. And I was like, "Yes we do. We need this. I'm tired of being cooped up. I'm done with the semester, no classes to be at, nothing to have to study. Let's go." So then he says, "Where do you want to go? You choose." Oh. Great, I thought. I get to choose. I HATE when he does that. It is always me that chooses-where to go on the weekend, where to eat when we go out, what movie to watch when we rent or decide to go out to watch one. (Are all men so indecisive?) Anyway...

He brought up something about Tupelo and I thought, hey, I haven't been there since 2 yrs ago. (I only went there one time) So why not? Then it was, "Well, what do you want to do there?" And of course, I had to come up with what I wanted to do. He did choose breakfast at Cracker Barrel. That was nice. Love that Hashbrown Casserole they do! YUM! Oh, I digress. Sorry.
But I had to choose the rest. Ok, so I looked up, "things to do in Tupelo" and I found an Automobile Museum. It looked interesting and I thought that Rick would really like that. He did. I took lots of pics of the old cars and some new ones too.
After we left there we decided to just drive through the downtown and guess what we ended up going to? A Gum Tree Festival!! The sign said it was a "Mother's Day Tradition" so we thought we would check it out.
It was an arts and crafts festival. They had some pretty neat stuff there. This one booth had some outdoor furniture that was made with slabs of stone and metal. It would be the perfect furniture for the outdoor patio. It even had flower pots connected to the ends of the arm rests. Interesting stuff. But, alas, I didn't take any pics of it. Darn it.

Aside from not taking pics, we enjoyed the walk and looking at all the arts and crafts. Oh, and there were some dancing ballerina's as well. Stage set up and all of that. I would imagine some kind of School of Dance kind of thing.

After the detour to the festival we went back the way we came and headed for our day of - SHOPPING! Woo Hoo!!! We actually had a great time. While we were breakfasting, the rain stopped. It was mainly a cloudy day but it was warm and we didn't have to get in and out of the vehicle in the rain. I think that would have made it a most dreary day then. We went to the mall. I purchased a few things. We went to some outdoor mall type thing and I purchased some new gym shoes. Mine are wore out and it's been about a year and a half since my last new pair. You know, the arch goes flat after a time.
Rick bought some good shoes as well. He needed some. He kept saying, but they are $60 bucks!!! I said, you buy a good pair and you don't have to replace them every 4-6 months!!! Who out there agrees with me???
I ALWAYS purchase a pair of good work out shoes once a year and spend some good money on them because they fit well, the arch is usually good and they last!

We ended up at Baskin Robbins...OH! That ice cream is good! I had 2 scoops - one of Chocolate Almond and the other of Jamoca Almond Fudge with Hot Fudge on top!! Scrumptious!!!!

Then, we headed home.

Our day ended with watching 2 movies after we got home. Comedy's - Jim Carrey ones - Liar, Liar and Bruce Almighty. It was a great end to the day. We were exhausted. After the movies, we showered and slipped into bed and off to dreamland we went!

Then up yesterday morning kind of early as my oldest decided to call me at 8:30 am for Mother's Day. Well, that's all right too. Rick and I along with Kirsten and my brother's family, took our mother out to dinner and just had a most wonderful time!

All in all, I had a great weekend...Looking forward to more of that in the future...Oh yes, Rick and I will be taking more weekend trips and are already planning ahead. Most of these will be trips out on the Harley. I can't wait!!

Til Later All....

BlueEyedWonder

The End of my First Semester....

2009-05-04T14:10:00.003-05:00

Hey Everybody!!!!

Here it is, the end of my first semester in college and I FINALLY made it!!! I have received 2 of my final grades. And am waiting on that third one to come through, hopefully this week.

Okay, here is how I did so far: In math, I ended up with a B in that class..How about that??!! And in Psych, after my last exam today my professor tallied up my final grade and I have ended up with an A!!! I am so PROUD of myself!! Now, this English Comp class is the one I'm very nervous about. Remember about this professor? He was the hard-ass? Ach..not so much! But he is hard about the papers.
I'm believing I did well. If I come out of there with a C, I will be happy. BUT I know I deserve at the least a B. He is very good at what he does-teaching us how to write. We started out with a class of 24 students and by the time Spring Break rolled around and everyone came back, we only had 11 of us there. We were the ones that were sticking it out. I know that those of us left have learned something from Professor Mayo.
The only odd thing about the man is that he never really looked you in the eye. At least, not me anyways...Whatever...just odd.

My last research paper, which was THE paper of the semester for us all, took us 3 weeks to work on and finish. It was on a very interesting topic: Should Public Schools be Segregated by Gender? Look into it people, I sided with the 'yes' on this one and if you look into the reasonings of it, you would see how it could work. It's been around for quite sometime as either single-sex classes or single-sex schools. Most of you would probably think of it as only for Private or religious type schools, but there are many of these single-sex schools/classes all around the U.S. I was totally surprised by it. There are at least 500 schools across the U.S. that have some form of single-sex education. If my paper is any good(which I'm hoping for!!) I will post it here for everyone to peruse and see what they think about the issue.

Now, look at this lovely picture. This is my oldest Melissa with her fiance Dan. They are to be married October 4th, 2009. Well, they went and decided to get married last Friday. May 1st. What a surprise that was!! They are still doing the whole wedding and reception because they still want all that traditional stuff but I told her she's crazy to do that. I'm happy as can be for the both of them! He is a wonderful man to my daughter and I like him as my son-in-law. She sent me a text message on Saturday. It went something like this: Dan and I got married this weekend BTW.
I figured she was kidding so Rick and I sent her a message back saying: Oh what a coincidence! We did too! Except it was the weekend before...
No, we did not get married. Not yet. That is coming though. At least it seems to be. We both seem to be on the same page about it. The only thing is, he's not been divorced all that long. Me, I've been divorced for over 5 yrs.
I never thought I'd get married again. Never. But I guess when the right man comes along..your heart knows it and stops looking and searching.

I know it's only been 3 1/2 months since I met the man. But...is it possible to fall for someone so fast and KNOW this is really IT???

I thought I was in love with my first husband. But I found that it wasn't about love with him it was about having gotten pregnant, falling into the pressures of family and getting married because it's the "right thing to do", and staying married, even unhappily, because of your upbringing and feeling this is what marriage is all about.
I sometimes think that if it wasn't because of family back then, we would not have ended up married or stayed married.
Now, I can't say we didn't have some good times because there were some. But for the most part I was totally unhappy, especially during the last half of the marriage.

Anyways....

Life has changed so much for me now. I am happier than I've ever been before. And I know that this love that I feel for Rick, is real. It is quite different from how it was with my first husband. With Rick, I WANT to do for him..make him feel happy...over myself. Is that wrong?
I haven't given up all of myself. I still do some things of my own. And yet, I know in some aspects I have changed for this relationship. Is that wrong too??? I guess only I could really know that...

The one thing I have to ask myself sometimes is this: If this relationship were to end at anytime, would I survive? Do I ever feel that I couldn't live without him? My answers would be: Yes, I would survive and I could live without him because I would have to.

The main thing for me in all of this...is that I am happy. And that is what has got to matter most...

Til Laters!
BlueEyedwonder

"What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger"

Blogger Errors...

2009-05-01T11:13:00.000-05:00

I'm not really sure what is happening here..but I surely hope I have not lost any of my blogs!! I have worked so hard on this..and am trying to keep it up, even though I'd been quite busy.

Hurry and fix the problems Blogger Men!!!!

Laters!

BlueEyedWonder

Happiness

2009-04-17T13:20:00.002-05:00

I've been sitting here thinking about happiness and what it might really mean. Well, at least to myself.

I found this little quote today:

"I think I'm afraid to be
happy because whenever I get too
happy, something bad always happens"
-Charlie Brown

It was because of this little quote that I started to think about it.

And I realized that I actually am like Charlie Brown in that respect.

Not that I'm not happy, because I believe I finally am truly happy but I still find a little nagging of doubt that I can be truly happy. I look for something to go wrong. I feel like anything that goes wrong is my fault. So, how can there be true happiness if I still feel those things in my head?
Do I look for trouble because I think there is no possible way I should be this happy or happy at all? Isn't that kind of depressing to think....

Since I started school and especially since I have met Rick, I have changed from being so bitter about life. About men. School brought about for me some needed growth personally. Challenges that I needed to face as I never thought I could possibly do the things that I am doing now. I have found I am quite capable of doing whatever the Professor's ask of me. Even though I may wait until the last minute to get them done..lol. I do that quite often. I'm one of those procrastinators. But I have found that once I get going on whatever paper it is I need to get done, I get rolling and it turns out better than I would ever expect. I think that is quite normal for college students.
In Psych, I had a research paper to do and it had a possible 75 points for it, I received 74 points. I did not do that paper until the day it was due to be turned in(by midnight of course) and still did well.
I hate research papers by the way....

College has been quite good for me. I continue with 2 more classes online thru the Summer. Continuing with math and taking an Art Appreciation class. I'm already set up for Fall with Human Anatomy and Physiology 1 and Introduction to Ethics 1. Phew...just these two classes alone will be a load. I had two friends in the A&P 1 class and they said it kicks A**!! I'm going to work hard to get through it.

As to Rick...He has been tremendously good for me! I really have changed a lot since meeting him. My outlook has changed. Everyone I know has seen the difference in me. I laugh but not only laugh, it's like from deep inside me true laughing. I smile for no reason. The bitterness I used to have is no longer there. You know, I never knew I was bitter, except towards men but I guess now, everyone tells me, yes, you were quite bitter.
I thought I was a happy person. I would have gone on with my life just as it was if I had not met Rick. He really has made such a difference in my life. I have more fun than I thought I possibly could. There is laughter and joy in my home.
And get this....I have even been COOKING again! Yes, I do remember how to cook! He's put on some weight since meeting me!! Now, that's funny! I don't even mind cooking. He knows I can't everynight as I have class two nights a week but if I could I would. Nah, not really as I do enjoy eating out or even some nights just give me a bowl of cereal...Cinnamon Life please!

I don't understand how I could think that happiness would elude me now that I have it. Like I asked before, could I possibly be the one that makes my own happiness disappear because of the fear I have of it disappearing?

One would hope not.

I plan on being with this man for the rest of my life. He is the one man I have met that has shown me that they are not all the same. I believe in my heart of hearts that I have finally found that love that I never really had before. Have I met my soul mate? Yes!

Will keep you all posted as to what is happening in life...

Til Later All!!

BlueEyedWonder

Some pics of us....

2009-04-10T11:05:00.002-05:00

This is when we were on the Natchez Trace..Had so much fun!

This was just yesterday on Rick's BDay...Damn..I love him...Almost 3 mths now!

Having a bit of fun with my eye...

Aint' I just cute? Getting his BDay cake ready..

We were at Jack's for lunch the day before his BDay...

Hey guys!!!

We've been having a great time since I last updated...So I thought I'd send along a few new pics.

We are doing wonderfully. Things are getting quite serious between us. I have fallen deeply madly in love with him and he with me...

School is going awesome!!!! I'm passing my classes and having a blast...I'm on my last research paper and then I'll be done with school. The last one we are doing will take us these last 3 weeks. The subject is," Should Public Schools be Segregated by Gender?"

I'm passing math and doing awesome in Psychology too!!!

I'll be back laters!!!

BlueEyedWonder

Hello All!!!

2009-03-06T14:01:00.003-06:00

Update!!!!

Well, so much for the dating life...lol...Right now, I'm seeing someone exclusively..and am loving it!!! But I'll keep you informed of how that is going..And here is the latest picture of he and I...

So...What do ya think?? I'll tell you...the past 6 weeks with him have been wonderful!! I believe that I have found in him, what I've been searching for. Even though, for the longest, I was the proverbial "man-hater". I stopped looking. Didn't want a man in my life..even though I was on POF, I wasn't looking too hard.

I had come to a point in my life where I had decided it was just going to be my daughter and myself. And even though I said I was happy, I don't believe I really was. I had a form of happiness but had come to a point where if I was single for the rest of my life, that's the way it would be. Now, I have so totally changed my mind!

Rick has made me happier than I've been in forever! I actually never thought that I would meet someone that could be this special in my life!

I have so much fun with him. He makes me laugh and just cares for me more than anyone has ever cared for me. He supports my going to school. One night, I was thinking about missing my math class so I could work on my English paper and he threatened to take me to class himself if I even thought about missing it! lol... I spend a lot of time with him and I kind of let my school work slide sometimes..BUT..I do have to say, my grades are still GREAT!!

My English papers are improving each week. And I do have to write a paper every week. Psych is going really well. My grades are high up there so far. I have to write a paper for that class but it's not due til the 25th. I hope I get it done right...
And math..well, it's going. lol. I am doing very well in there. On fractions at the moment and I do like those fractions!

And I've still got a job! Even in all of this time with the economy, the company is still hanging in there. Kind of amazing since it is mainly a recreational type of company. Waterslides....And yet cities and others are still building and wanting slides and amenities. A lot of those of course have had the monies set aside for projects such as this. Some are still waiting a bit before going forward with their endeavors, but still doing the building.

Well, I hope that is a good update for you for now...Thanks Hedgie for the bit of a push to get this update!

Til next time all!

BlueEyedWonder

Have I Been Gone Long Enough?

2009-02-19T10:28:00.002-06:00

I figured it was time for me to fill you in on the latest happenings here.

Well, Charmaine had asked me how my dating was going. And I wanted to let you all know it is going just GREAT! I finally did meet someone that I went on an actual date with and have been seeing him ever since.
He has been warm and sweet and well...he has fallen head over heels for me! And I think I have for him too!
My daughter likes him and she is not easy to please where people are concerned. She either likes you or she doesn't. Even my dog likes him!!! LOL
Oh yes, by the way...It's Rick..he's the last one of the pics I placed on here about having a date with him. He's one I met from POF and actually WANTED to meet.

So, here I am starting in a relationship...and going to school...and just being freaking busy all the time! Papers, studying, classes and working...

And speaking of class...I had my Chapter 2 BIG test in Psych yesterday and received my scoring grade today. And out of a possible 50, I received 48!!!!!! Woo Hoo!!!!!!! Chapter 2 was all about the brain and the different functions of it. I can tell you every part of it and label it too!!! LOL

English is going pretty good. But in hindsight, as good as this Professor is that I have for it he is still an ass. Oh, wait..that wasn't what I was going to say! HA
I really believe that he just comes up with some half-assed writing assignments because he doesn't really have an agenda to follow. No book other than the Harbrace Handbook. And I much prefer using a regular English Comp book. After speaking to several classmates, it seems we all had signed up under a completely different Professor but somehow ended up with this one.
We have also heard that he has failed students that have: shown up to every class, was never late, wrote to the best of their ability, and handed in every paper. But the other side I have heard is that he is a very good Professor and has been well liked by some students.

I finally mastered Module 1 in my math and am currently working in Module 2-FRACTIONS! I used to love them but have forgotten how to work them. Now to get through them a bit quicker...Oh, in completing Module 1, I ended up with an overall score of 85%. Which did make me happy because I was a way below that student in math when in HS.

It's been a difficult 2 months though for my mom, my family, with a situation we are in. Actually, it's been a difficult past year to tack on to that. We are working through many things and are yet hopeful that all will right itself in our world. But yesterday while my mom was on her way to work, she was in a car accident. Thankfully, she was not hurt. The guy was on his cell phone and ran a red light. My mom stood on the brake with both feet and still hit him. Of course my mom drives a Dodge Ram Diesel...very big! Anyway, his car is totalled and she was only doing 30mph. I do not know what he was doing. There is about $5,000 worth of damage to her truck. But like I said, thankfully she is fine.

So, til later all!
BlueEyedWonder

Psych 1 Quiz...

2009-02-02T15:48:00.002-06:00

YIPPEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did good today on my Chapter 1 vocabulary quiz!!!

I only missed 4 out of 25 and that will still give me a decent grade!

We missed last Wednesday due to the inclement ice weather we had here in our little area of Tennessee. HA! Not much of anything really where I'm at, but where the Main Campus is at, they had it bad with ice so they closed our campus too.
So that put everything out of whack for Psych class.

So my next quiz is Wednesday for the Appendix 1 vocabulary and then NEXT Monday, the Chapter 1 test.

I think I'll be doing all right here.

Til Later All!

BlueEyedWonder

My Diagnostic Essay....

2009-01-30T14:41:00.005-06:00

Before I copy my Essay here, let me give a bit of an explanation on what the topic was on.

We were to write our own opinion as to this:
"A report prepared by ACT titled: "Crisis at the Core: Preparing all Students for College Level Work" states that only "22 percent of 1.2million high-school students who took the ACT test in 2003-2004 academic year were ready for college level courses in, English, mathematics and science(Jacobson)

How do you account for this lack of preparedness among this country's high school students?

My Essay:

Why is our Country so lacking in having our students prepared for life outside the classroom, whether it is for College or for the workplace? In actuality, I have not given this much thought even though I should, as I have one child who is still in school. To think about it now has given me pause as I know there are many teachers' out there in the classrooms working very hard to give our children the education that they need.

Why would a Country as great as ours lag so far behind other countries in education? I see that many of the foreign countries have longer class days. And some of the actually go all week long, Monday through Saturday. Maybe we need to think about having longer class days or a longer week of school. I can hear the complaints now! "What about sports?" "What about making sure they have time to study?" I do not know how the other countries manage things like this but they seem to have figured out a way to do it.

I think that there is the possibility that our students do not know how to study properly. I believe that there are not many teachers that have taken the time to show students how they should keep track of what they are to do and when assignments are to be turned in. If they are taught at a young age, say, elementary school age, and then carried it on through their High School years, I believe that it would better prepare them. Not only will they be ready for those ACT's that come up but they'll be prepared for college as well as out in the working world.

It would entail keeping a journal of sorts or an assignment book and may seem like a little extra work but in the long run there would be benefits to this. Look at how ill prepared a student is once they are in college and not able to study as they should because they were not shown how to properly study.

I believe that our country needs to look at some of the other countries that have excellent study systems and incorporate them into our educational system in some way. We do not have to incorporate everything that they do but just look at those options that would be workable in our system and put them into place. It would have to be a slow process, I believe, but it could be a workable one. Just think of the possibilities of a higher percentage of students graduating with higher scores on their ACT's if just one or two options were in place. It really could better our education system to do just that.

Now, what I did learn is this: Never start your paper with a question! I just learned that last night at our lecture for the class. You can't beat a decent short paper that was done in class without any research done on it and from my own opinion. In less than an hour!!! He said that I did a good job and that there were not any major problems. I had two words that I needed to change and that was it! I am a bit proud but now the harder stuff starts hitting! I will try to get those posted as I go along....

Hope you all enjoy this first paper of mine!

BlueEyedWonder

School, Dates and Moving..

2009-01-27T13:36:00.003-06:00

Rick from POF.com! (More info below!!)

Ah...it's been a week!

My first week of school has been good. And guess what all??? Math is 'clicking' for me!!!! And here I was worried. Thanks to all the uplifting I received, I am doing all right with math.

I couldn't believe it when I sat down to really get into it and learn it. I was doing Integers and some Pre-algebra and it was just clicking! Each step, baby step that is and there you go!

I had my first English Essay and it went well as far as writing it. I had to do it in class on the subject of my opinion of why students are not as prepared as they should be for college. I chose it to be about study habits. Has no one taught them the proper skills of studying? I'll post it up here later and see what everyone thinks.

Psychology is going well so far. I have a vocabulary test tomorrow, already. And on the 4th of February or is that the 2nd? I have a Chapter 1 test! Wow...it moves fast!
I like it though, the class and the teacher.

And oh yes, I just might like Professor Mayo after all! :)

Well, while going to school the first week, I was also moving. I had everything moved and the old apartment cleaned up in 1 week! Thanks to my family, it went very smoothly. I moved a little bit everyday so that by the time Saturday came, all we had to move out was the Large ticket items! Great! We had it done in no time at all.

And so, last Sunday night, I had a date! His name is Rick. He's Italian and tall and very nice and funny as all get out! I had a blast!! By the way, this is my "fish" that I hadn't shown you all a picture of yet. You'll see it here today! So, there, you've now seen it!
We met for dinner at 5pm and did not leave until 8pm. Three hours of talking and laughing. Asking questions etc...Although, we had been talking by email, txt and on the phone for two weeks before we actually met.
He seems very sweet and stable! Important qualifications in a person. So, we will be having another date soon. Probably this coming Sunday again. I'm just so busy during the week and this Friday and Saturday are already filled up!

So, lookee here...My life is finally starting to move??? I didn't think all of this was possible and yet here I am.

I will keep you posted about Rick. Oh, he is 9 yrs younger than myself by the way. Does that make a difference to people sometimes? I suppose it depends on your own maturity level. Although, most people wouldn't think anything of it if he was 9yrs older than myself. Kind of a,"it's all right if the man is older but not the woman" kind of thing at times....

Til later all!!!!

BlueEyedWonder

Psychology..

2009-01-21T15:42:00.000-06:00

Just a few words:

I like it and the teacher so far!!

When I'm done with the class or while I'm taking it...Will there be any takers in letting me psychoanalyze you??

LOL

Til Laters All!

BlueEyedWonder

A Monday...

2009-01-20T17:04:00.002-06:00

It was a Monday.

How did I know it was a Monday?

1. I overslept.
2. My coffee went sliding all over the dashboard in my car and I had coffee everywhere!
3. The day was crazy at work.

Yes, the proverbial oversleeping. I do not oversleep very often. But when I do, lookout!! I jumped out of bed, got into the shower and got myself going. Thinking I was doing well and getting ready in record time, I find that it was 8:15 am!!!
By the time I finally got everything together and out to the car..I was exhausted! And my day had not really even gotten started.

I placed my coffee mug in the same place that I always do. I've never had a problem with that spot before. Well, I set it on the spot on the dash that's just above the steering wheel and I put the car in gear. And then as I barely moved, the coffee mug went flying down the hump and hit the windshield with coffee splashing all over it and the dash. I just stared at the mess I had just made. Thankfully, I did not get any of that coffee on myself. And none of it got into the dash! Wow, what luck, eh?

Then I get to work and my boss goes on a tangent about getting everything together for the job that's GOT to go out this week and be there by Thursday. I do not know how this will be managed as there is one more thing to be built and everything must be crated. Well, his plans are to drive from Tennessee where we are to Winner, SD. Leaving tomorrow, Wednesday and arriving there on Thursday. It has got to be an impossibility. But he is determined. And cranky. Of course his blood sugar is off. High or low, no one really knows. That does not help one bit.

I was so glad that the day was over with. I went home and relaxed a bit and then hit the gym. Now that helped to get a lot off my mind and removing that stress. I just wish I could go tonight but can't as I have my math tonight.

I'm kind of looking forward to it. Getting in there and working hard on it.

Well, til later all...

BlueEyedwonder

Class time and the weekend..

2009-01-18T10:07:00.002-06:00

Ah, my first class was Thursday night. Considering it being the first day of classes starting it wasn't too interesting. Except for my Professor.

I get to the college and the classroom I was supposed to be in was changed. So several of us were there in the new room and then the next thing we know even THAT one had been changed. The Professor had a certain room in mind but no one knew that, not even those who work the office.

His name is Professor Mayo. Not Mr. Mayo, but Professor Mayo. As he introduced himself that is what he said and he emphasized the fact that that is what we shall call him.
He seems to be such an arrogant ass of a man. He's younger than myself by almost 7 years and I have to sit and listen to him?? I thought that to myself.

But as he went on in his expectations of what we are to do I heard two things: 1) He knows his stuff and 2) He's still an ass.

You don't receive grades on your papers until the end of the semester. He knows if it's a passing paper or not and to what degree it is passing. He will read over your paper, note corrections to be made and by the end of the semester we will have revised every paper and placed it into a portfolio.
Now, I know college is quite different but the man does not even use the book that should be used for the class.
An ex-friend of mine had this same class for Fall Semester and the Professor she had used the book(that was the professor I signed up under). This Professor Mayo that I have only uses the Hodges Harbrace Handbook, 16th Edition. So, several of us even had the wrong book. Going of course by what book was used last semester.

I now have the correct book. And it is a handy little book by all accounts. It is something you can use for the rest of your life, if you hang on to it. Perfect little thing to show you all manner of correctness in your writing and research, even research on the internet! It is used by all manner of people from what I understand.

Well, I'm certainly hoping that with all the writing that will be done in this class I pass Professor Mayo's muster.

When I took the original book back to exchange it for the correct book, the young lady that was in the bookstore said, "Oh, you must have Professor Mayo!" Well, look at that! Just by the book you purchase, they know who your Professor is.
Of course I said, "Yes I do. Did you ever have him?" She responded, "Yes! And I just LOVED him and you will too!" She said, "He's really good and he's not at all like you think he is and he knows his English."

So I take heart that I'm in the class I'm supposed to be in with a teacher, oops, Professor that I'm supposed to have. And he knows his stuff.

In the meantime, with starting classes, I'm in the process of moving. I will be completely out of the apartment next Saturday. I had already started packing small stuff and getting it placed where I wanted things in the new place. Which actually is not a new place.

I'm moving back to my mom's. She is in a predicament where she needs my help and we do not want her to lose her home, so my daughter and I are moving back to help her out.

What else is family to do? If I were in need and really had to go to my parents and ask for help, would they turn me away? I think not. And there you go.

It hasn't helped that my daughter is having fits about moving in with her. She and I both, enjoy our sense of aloneness. Of having our own space. But it is not as if she won't have her own room where she can go to and hide if need be. Shoot, she'll have our computer and t.v. in her room. What more could a tech savy, electronics lover want!

I have just felt that when it comes to family and they truly need your help, that you do what you can. And especially when it is your mother!!

So more packing I do today and re-arranging to get things ready for the big stuff we will need there(beds and such). Wish me luck on this one!! lol

A little update on the plentyoffish men. I told you I have a number 6 that you haven't seen yet. Well, he seems to be THE sweetest I've met yet. We have been emailing for a week now and texting and spoke yesterday on the phone. We have a date set up for dinner next Sunday. I just need to decide where now. I still haven't posted his pic for you. But I will give you a bit of a description: He is 6'1", originally from the Chicago area(Bolingbrook, Ill.). He has three children, that all live in Arizona with their mother and they are all teens. He's Italian by heritage and he actually doesn't have a southern accent from living in the south for years! lol
So, I'm looking forward to meeting him. I hope he's really what he seems to be once I meet him in person.

Wish me luck all!!

Next class time will be Tuesday evening....MATH!

Til Later All

BlueEyedwonder

A Glimmer???

2009-01-14T12:28:00.002-06:00

It has been about a week since I last stepped into my blog and I thought I should get over here and update a bit.

My last post was on getting my books for college and my hatred of math. I still hate math, even though I haven't started the class yet. But I want to thank those that gave me encouraging remarks! Much appreciated and I have decided that I will conquer math this time around! lol

Then of course the pictures and profiles of those men who have contacted me. My number three and I still email back and forth, but it is more for friendship than anything. Which is fine. Driving to Knoxville is quite a long distance. The number 1 and 5..I took Hedgie's advice and decided no go for them.
I'm still talking to my number 4. He's still quite interesting but he's too slow on the meeting up so today when I emailed him back, I said, lets meet up. So I will get a date out of one of these men yet Charmaine!

Now, I'm talking to a number 6! You haven't seen him yet and he seems WAY more interested than any of the others..So maybe a glimmer here...Will post him soon!

I will start my classes tomorrow. Only one of them starts, English Comp 1. This will probably be my most fun class as I enjoy reading and writing. Every Thursday from 6-9 pm, I will be sitting in class learning and reading and writing. Maybe it will help me with my blogging as I would love to be able to write as Irish Gumbo. His 100th today was awesome! And I just have loved all of the posts I have read of his. But I know each of us has our own style and way of putting things, it's what makes us original and different!

And then of course I'll have my Psych 1 class every Monday and Wednesday morning from 9:25-10:40 am. You know, I'm thinking this will be very interesting because I will be learning the different ways our psyche works. I've never thought of it before and if I really like this class I may take Psych 2 in the summer. I just haven't decided yet.

Then the dreaded Math. Every Tuesday night from 6-9pm. I think if I go with an upbeat, positive attitude that I will get through it well, I will.

I am happy that 2008 is done and over with. That I have been through some things that I've moved on from. Learned from. And that is what is most important.

As I'm moving on into 2009, I'm believing that this year will be a better year. That what I've been looking for will be here this year. That I've grown a determination of spirit to get what it is I've been wanting. Even through any bad that happened last year I am prevailing. I made it. We all did. It doesn't matter the process, now, but the fact that I did make it.

Even through my own bad or good decisions. Through the loss of a friendship. Through the loss of my dad. Through seeing someone close to us lose a battle in the courts. It just doesn't matter what I went through, I have come out the other side.

Through the help of family, friends and, dare I say? Even God...I have made it.

Til later all....

BlueEyedWonder

Books!!

2009-01-09T10:57:00.002-06:00

Ah, Here I am again today!

I went this morning and purchased my books for my classes.

I have English Comp 1, Psychology 1 and I hate to say it Developmental Math 1.

Ok, go ahead think what you want about the math. But I hated math when I was in Highschool and it didn't get any better once I was out. What has done it to me is that darned Albebra. Think about this: When I was in Highschool, I had a choice-College prep courses or General Math.

Since I wasn't going to go to college, what do you think I took? Right, General Math. We barely touched on Algebra of any kind.

Now, I wish I had and understood it better.

Basically, I'm taking Pre-Algebra. Something my 9th grade HS student took last year. Makes me feel dumb. But she will help me out to understand it(I hope). And I WILL conquer this. If I can get through that, then I can get through anything.

Don't you think?

Please don't hate me because I'm not a brainiac!! LOL

Later!

BlueEyedWonder

Plentyoffish About Me's

2009-01-09T08:31:00.002-06:00

Ok guys...Here are the About me's from the 5 from the previous post:

#1- I AM A 39 YEAR OLD AND BEEN DIVORCED FOR A OVER A YEAR. I HAVE TWO SMALL KIDS THAT ARE 6 AND 8 AND I LOVE THEM VERY MUCH. THEY STAY WITH ME ALOT! I LIKE TO BE OUT SIDE ,CAMPING,FISHING,HUNTING.AND LIKE TO GET OUT AND RIDE MY BIKE WITH ALL MY FRIENDS.I AM LOOKING FOR A GOOD WOMAN NO GAMES.I LIKE TO BAR-B-Q RIBS I JUST I TO BE OUT SIDE.BUT I DO LIKE MOVIES AND GOING OUT TO FOR A NICE DINNER. ABOUT SICK OF THE BAR THING BUT I DO LIKE IT SOME TIMES.NOT LOOKING TO GET MARRIED RIGHT A WAY THAT TAKES TIME.I WAS MARRIED FOR 11 YEARS I KNOW WHAT ITS ALL ABOUT.I LOVE TO JOKE AROUND AND HAVE FUN.BUT I MEAN WHAT I SAY AND DO WHAT I SAY.LIFE IS TO SHORT FOR LIES.SO HOPE TO HEAR FORM YOU SOON.ANYTHING YOU WANT TO NOW JUST ASK.

#2- I am very laid back and easy going. Enjoy being outdoors doing just about anything including playing with my children. They keep me very young and out of trouble...lol Looking for a special lady to share life and all it has to offer.Im also a soldier in the Tn army national guard.You can also reach me at crazyhorse775@ the hoo.

#3-ok..heres the deal.

wanna chat? Im open to conversation. I have no restrictions to talking to someone..Im not gonna pre-judge you based on your profile.. Ill wait till I know you for sure.

That fair enuff???

my moto: if at first you try,and dont succeed... your too old for that kin O $hit. Maybe you need to try golf or knitting..

#4- Sports and Animals(interests) (That's it on this one other than our emails and his calling me last night)

#5- Scratching your head over that one? Well, My "Daddy" days are done. In'06 my Baby Girl graduated with honors, Was accepted with full scholarship, And from then to now has been on her own. And I'm satisfied that I can watch her live her life from a distance. I live in the Lobelville/Dickson area. I'm a fun loving guy, I cook, Clean, Do my own wash, And swing a mean mop, So I'm not lookin' for a "Mommy", I work hard, Live within' my modest means and enjoy my independence, So I admire and respect those that have achieved their own. You never curse at or call the the ones you love names, And civilized people agree to disagree if they have a difference of opinions. I have a sense of humor that might take some getting used to, I'm not a blind optimist, But I do look for the good in all situations good or bad. I'm a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ and his Father, Although there might be some days you might look at me and think "Are you sure?" I love doing anything outdoors, Love me some football, Both College and Pro. Not a big NASCAR fan, Meaning I won't plop my backside in front of the tube for hours and watch a race, But I will go to see one live. Motorcycling is my therapy,Has been for decades. Good conversation over coffee, Going someplace where you know they make a great mustard, pickle, onion and tomato cheeseburger,Don't worry, I keep those breath strips with me at all times,I'm big on kissing, Or going to watch the river roll is my idea of heaven. Watching it rain while sitting on the front porch, Or going for a walk...I'm open to it all. I don't gamble, Do drugs of anykind, Nor will I associate with those that do. I will have a beer or few with friends, Or wine with someone special, But I don't drink to excess. I'm not "Country", So you girls lookin' for a Country fella' would be disappointed. Other than that I'm just a regular guy. Theres more, But you'll have to get in touch to ask me any questions you might have. Ladies, I know that this will sound shallow, But, I've posted my pictures, Thats me, Warts, Scars, Age and all, They were taken October '07 through October of '08. So I'll ONLY ANSWER INQUIRIES THAT HAVE PHOTOS, It's only fair........ If your interested in getting to know me better, Drop a line, I promise a prompt response......O.K., If you've come this far let me make my intentions perfectly clear. I'm hoping to find what I hope to be the true love of my life. Two wives, And a number of love affairs through the years have taught me that we have our own lives to live, And to share them with someone and have someone invite us into theirs is truly a gift. Disappointments, Heartbreak, Frustrations come to us all, And how we deal with them is what makes us who we are, And I've had a few. Enough to know that smooth seas make crappy sailors. Attraction to me happens instantly, And what attracts me to a gal surprises even me sometimes. Eyes, A voice, Even how she walks through a crowd will get my attention. Kindness, Patience, And grace mean the world to me. I was blessed with someone in my youth that had all of those, And I'm hoping to find it again. I'm not here to play games,Or waste anyones time while waiting for something "Better" to come along. I know who I am, And what I REALLY want.........Do you?

Ok, so that is each of their "About Me's"....Compare to the pics and then give me your opinion...

Til Later!

BlueEyedWonder

The plentyoffish.com guys so far....

2009-01-08T14:01:00.007-06:00

Okay...These are the men that have contacted me most recently from plenty of fish.com.

Number 1 up a the top. He contacted me after he saw that I would be attending a POF function. What a fish, eh?

Number 2. I've been emailing back and forth for a little over a week. Seems nice enough but can't really see what he looks like.

Number 3. He is a doll but lives on the other side of the state. We keep in touch though. But from some comments he has from some of the women he's gone out with, I'm thinking he's just a bit of a player. He could be a good catch though.

Number 4. That's the one that caught my attention. He's the catscan guy Irish Gumbo!! We are going to meet soon. I've enjoyed his emails and we have exchanged numbers now...so, we'll see! (by the way, that's his niece laying on his chest)

And Number 5. Well, he just contacted me a little bit ago. Seems nice enough. Might contact him. But some bald guys just don't do it for me! LOL Am I bad or what???

Let me know what you guys think of these.

But wait til I just post the pics of the others that have made contact with me!!! OMG!!! You will so laugh!!!

Til Later!

BlueEyedWonder

It's really 2009..

2009-01-06T12:46:00.002-06:00

Did you ever believe another year would get here? Did you have some doubts as to it's arriving?

Well, never fear...it came.

Looking back on 2008 I can see the good, the bad and the ugly.(ah, thank you Clint Eastwood!)

The good: I lived through it! I really did make it...wow!

The bad: I had gotten very ill at the end of May. Thinking it was just the flu I let it go for about a week. When I finally realized it was something more and really didn't feel right, I went to the doctor and had a bunch of tests done. I was diagnosed, Anemic. Well, My iron and B12 had gotten almost completely depleted and they were seriously talking transfusions if I didn't follow orders and get taking iron. I decided I'd take the iron. I received 2 B12 shots and took 4 iron pills a day at 325 mgs(?) per pill. I was taking a ton of it plus they had put me on Prenatal vitamins(the best vitamins on the market). It took me a good three months but I am happy to say, My iron and B12 is back up to speed!!! I live!!!! LOL
Also, as much as I really don't like my ex-husband...well, he had to have emergency colostomy surgery. He is off work for about 6 months and so..now my daughter's child support will be affected. I understand it but at the same time, it's not helpful. So now I have a hearing as they will lower the child support for the time he is off of work. Yes, he is receiving disability pay but it's only 40% of his normal paycheck. We'll see how this goes today.

The ugly: Someone very, very close to our family was arrested and convicted of a crime he did not commit. He had two witness's that proved his innocence and yet the jury convicted him. He is to be sentenced today. I will be there to support him. Oh, if you only knew what some counties in the south are like!

The good: Even with all of this happening at this time and this past year...I'm still looking ahead that 2009 WILL be a better and blessed year.

Thank you Irish Gumbo for what you said about looking back on what's happened: it's perspective.

**On a side note: I actually have a guy from Plenty of Fish that has asked when we can meet!! How about that?? He is 48 and works at a hospital doing Cat scans! And here I'm starting up classes that will eventually get me into of all things: Radiology! How funny is that??? Let's hope the guy is as sweet as he seems. Oh and he is very nice looking!**

Til Later!

BlueEyedWonder

Happy New Year's!!!

2009-01-01T11:51:00.002-06:00

Happy New Years to all my lovelies!

Well, it was a night to remember...hahaha...NOT!

I caught up with my friend Tonya for the evening to celebrate and ring in the New Year. We went to a place called "Tequila Joe's". It's an alright place as far as those places go but that's where we always go when she has to do a photo shoot for the bands that come in.

So that's where we were. Three bands played, two I already knew. The two I knew were "Damage 19" and "Framing Hanley". The third one I liked the best and had never heard play before at all. The name of that band was "Lovers and Liars".

So, there was the two of us. She actually waiting for this guy to show up for a sort of 'date'. Me, just there.

Here came the New Year....((fizzle))....It just came in. No pop. No hop. No schnizzle.

Well, I finally caught up to Tonya at the end of the bar and there she was snuggling up with some guy she just met. (That's the way of Tonya...sigh). And who was there? A guy that looked pretty cute. We introduced ourselves and began talking. Well, we girls tried to get them to go and do some dancing for awhile. One came along, the other was like, "no, I've got to find my friends that I came with".
We danced for awhile and then went back to the bar and the other guy was back. He tried to find us out on the dance floor. But to no avail. Too many people out there. You can't find a soul.
So my friends guy was so smashed drunk that he could barely stand and we just continued to talk to the guy I got a bit interested in.

The three of us ended up leaving and hitting a Waffle House. After a night of drinking and dancing that is THE place to hit to get your sober started. We went to Tonya's house and the three of us sat and talked for quite awhile.

All the while the guy I had taken an interest in began giving my friend a foot massage.

Ok, so I knew where that was going.

I left the room to get my contacts off and stepped back out to the living room and what do my eyes behold?? The guy and Tonya kissing.

Needless to say...I backed out and went to the room I was staying in and went to bed.

Now, it's enough to be alone on New Year's Eve(no date) but it's quite maddening when the guy you get interested in and SEEMED to be interested in you, ends up sleeping with your FRIEND.

It's sad. All the way around, sad.

And I almost feel betrayed. I say almost because I know how Tonya is. She flirts like crazy and ends up with some guy, all the time. She is sexy, very outgoing and playful. When I'm with her, I feel very outshined. Even though I know I have my own sexiness, etc. I just haven't hit upon that right moment in time.

And besides, I'm not out looking to get laid or find a lay. I'm just not easy, I guess you'd say.

So, who is it most sad for? Me or her?

But other than that...we did have a pretty good night.

Til Later All...

BlueEyedWonder

PS. And not one hit off of POF for a date!!!!

Shortie...

2008-12-30T11:18:00.003-06:00

Short and sweet today....well, that's me everyday! lol

I've been busy since Christmas. My oldest has been here since Saturday night with her fiance and we've been running ever since. No time for anything!

Had a great shopping time with them yesterday and a wonderful dinner at Olive Garden.

Hey, Charmaine...loved these last two blogs! Can't wait to catch up from the past few days...

Will be back here tomorrow with a smattering of my holidays so far..

And well, too bad for me..still no date for New Years Eve partying....(((sigh)))

Til Later,

BlueEyedWonder

Dragging...

2008-12-23T14:13:00.002-06:00

Oh these days...are just dragging.

I wonder at times what is wrong with me...especially where men are concerned.

They talk to me. They email me.

And yet, no dates.

But that could be a blessing in disguise.

Although at times, I really would like a date. Or two.

Some attention? LOL

Men are so confusing!! They say we women are but I'm really believing that men are just as bad.

I was reading on one of the forums this morning that I check out every now and then on that dating site I'm attached to. It was about women over 45. That they shouldn't go out by themselves because it's not proper.
This one woman wrote that she does like to go on occasion by herself to a little pub and get a drink and maybe something to eat. She doesn't go to pick up men she just likes to go because it gets boring just being at home all the time.
While there, she gets hit on and she is trying to be polite in refusing the guy but she continues to get bothered. Well, because of that kind of thing she moves on to another place to do her eating and of course the whole thing starts up there as well. And a cycle goes on because she'll have to find a new place again.

Now, I don't go by myself very often to eat alone. Or go to a bar alone as I don't want to be perceived as just there to 'get laid'. And admittedly, a lot of women that go by themselves to a bar are there for just that. Not all of us are. Even when we go with our group of girlfriends, we still get that perception that we are there for one thing...to get laid.

Well, I don't go to find myself a man so I can get laid. But most men I have run into at the clubs/bars actually think that's all you want. I have actually had men say to me, 'well, you're here with your girls so you must be looking to find a guy for some sex, so come on with me'. Now that was just SO wrong!! And of course, he got an earful.

What is it about men that make them think that most women are out there just looking for that lay? To be fair, what is it about women that make men think we are there just looking for that lay?

Now, I'm not against having sex. I enjoy it as much as anyone else does. But..my question is, 'why do men think that's all you want"? Why do they believe they can just come up to you at a club get you on the dance floor and start rubbing their body all over you? If a woman is not wanting that and just really wanting to dance, what is it that makes a man believe otherwise?

I HATE it when a guy does this on the dance floor with me because I've just met the guy. I don't know him from Adam and he feels he can just do whatever.

I've walked off the dance floor many times and left a guy standing there.

If I'm not giving my permission for a guy to take certain liberties, then why don't they get the 'don't touch' sign?

Ok, have I been man bashing a bit lately? Probably. I guess it's just because these men that I've been running into just seem to think it's ok to say or do the things they say or do.

Have I got a stamp on my forhead that says, "I'm open for anything"? Do I have something attached to me that says, "I'm attracted to a**holes so come on"?

Where do these jerks come from??

Do you think that someday, I'll actually find a guy that is not such a jerk?

Until next time...

BlueEyedWonder

Dating Sites....

2008-12-19T14:42:00.002-06:00

Oh my!

I'm on a dating site, as I think I said in my previous post and it's quite interesting.

No, it's not one of those you have to pay for but totally free. There have been some nice looking men on there but always too young! I really don't think I should date a man that is the same age as my son(24). It would just seem too...weird or something.

Some have hit on me and some have checked me out. Hey, at 46 I don't think I'm a bad looking woman..lol..but that's my own opinion.

Anyways..I chatted a couple of times with a guy on this site and I wasn't really too interested in him. He just seemed like he would be too wild. As far as just wanting something I'm not willing to give out. :) You all know.
So today I get a message from the guy saying, "Hey hottie, been awhile, how are you?"

Well, this message annoyed me. First, because I don't know him. Second, we only messaged a couple of times previous to this. And for myself, I just feel disrespected by this because I do not know the man!

I know he meant it as a compliment and I do appreciate the compliments. But today, I just felt like it was a remark that shouldn't have been made to me as he doesn't even really know me. If it had come from one of my guy friends it wouldn't have bothered me one bit.

Now, I'm sure I made more out of it then it was. But then again men that do that right off bug that crap out of me! I had talked to a guy that kept calling me "hota**". And I finally had to tell him to stop that too. I barely knew him. And it just seems so disrespectful to a woman.

Now, why can't a man just introduce himself and have a normal conversation with a woman without throwing all of that other stuff in? Do they not realize that it is just demeaning to a woman? Or do a lot of women allow this so that men just figure it is all right to do with any woman?

I truly am frustrated....

Hanging in there til next time,
BlueEyedWonder

2008-12-17T11:13:00.003-06:00

Oh, how I hate shopping for Christmas!

Christmas itself is wonderful. I love the sights and sounds of it. The beauty of the decorations. Just not the materialism. And yet, how easy it is to fall into the materialism.

I have only shopped for one other person besides my daughter. And my girl is taken care of except for her stocking. Got all of her presents yesterday. Now for the stocking. Lots of chocolate and a few things she might like that aren't candy.

For the main shopping I did for the other person yesterday..it was for my 16 yr old niece Ronnie. She is actually hard to shop for as she seems to have everything she could possibly have. Can we say a bit spoiled? Possibly. She is a sweet girl albeit a bit scatter-brained at times. She is our natural dark browned hair, blonde! haha She's been driving since April and boy is her car dented up! Thankfully her parents didn't get her a new car. Common sense on their part. Anyway..I didn't know what to get for her until I saw some necklaces. So I purchased her a necklace with a floating heart on it in sterling silver. I'm pretty sure she'll like it. From what her mom said, anything jewelry she pretty much loves. So, she is taken care of.

Next my nephews. I have two that I haven't any clue as to what to get. One is 3 the other is 11. My brother says, toys. Always toys. I think it will do. Now, think, think...A three yr old is easy I'm thinking. He'll just tear it up anyways. The eleven yr old, a bit harder. So they are next in the shopping craze!

I still hate the shopping though. Too many people out there. Always in the way. Drive you crazy as the stores never have enough help. And it's worse this year as many have lost their jobs.

Come to think of it, it doesn't seem quite as crowded this year considering how late it is in beginning my shopping.

Well, I still hate trying to purchase gifts for those that are hard to purchase for. Again, materialism. It's all about the things. Crazy..isn't it?

Laters!

BlueEyedWonder

On Men and Dating...

2008-12-16T12:05:00.002-06:00

Good day to all of you!!

So, my blog today will be just a bit on my insight into men and dating. This is going to be interesting, I think.

As you know from a previous post, I'm quite divorced. Have been for almost 5 yrs with one year of being separated. So a total of almost 6 yrs on my own. Very little dating actually. Mainly going out with a group of good friends, which is much safer, I'm thinking.

Back a few months ago, March to be exact, a couple of my girl friends decided that I must have a man in my life again. Start dating. Go have some 'fun'! If you get my drift...
Well, I was introduced to a man by the name of Darren. Now, he seemed like such a nice guy. In the beginning. His tell tale signs came out after about a month. He was into seeing me quite often, almost everyday. And then for him, that got tiresome although instead of just saying something to me, he turned it around on me like I was just there all the time. Now, I don't go where I'm not invited..so obviously, I was invited.
I should have realized something was up at that point. But it had been SO long since I'd been out there in the dating pool that I was missing it. And there was his odd beliefs. He hated certain races. And when I say hated, I mean, if he could have shot one right there, it wouldn't have bothered him one bit! Well, I'm not prejudice and it bothered me how he was so hateful. And yet, there I stayed. Keeping my mouth shut.
Well, I'm thinking my self-esteem was just low or something. But I gave and gave in this thing, kept my mouth shut about certain things and stuck it out for 3 months. Stupid, wasn't it?? He ended up being one of those cheating kind of guys in the end.
Yes, he cheated on me while I was away in Michigan burying my Dad. Not only a cheat but a horrible person in the mix. What did I see in this one? I'm telling you, it had to be because I was just so wanting a man in my life that I allowed this.

And I really didn't want or need a man in my life!! I'd been doing fine all this time without one. What was I thinking??? Well, I'd hoped I learned from this experience. But did I??

Another friend of mine introduced me to a guy a couple of weeks after the Darren fiasco. His name was Steve. He seemed like such a nice guy. Very personable. Very much a lot of fun. Well, we started seeing each other a bit. He would call me just about everyday. Well, it turned out I shouldn't have trusted him either. He was a salesman after all! HAHA
Turns out this guy had drama up the ying yang. And issues! Don't even get me started! All I could think was, "And I thought it was just us women that did this." So, I find out that he'd just gone through this horrible break-up a couple months before we met. And was having issues with opening up totally and blah, blah, blah. You know the old story.
And yet, I was willing to give it a bit of a chance. Well, one day, he just stopped calling. And I didn't hear from him for a month. I didn't call him but when I did finally run into him. He got an earful!!!!
In the time I didn't see him or hear from him, he had a cousin that decided to pursue me. I wouldn't go out with the guy, he honestly wasn't my type. I was trying to be nice and be a friend but he wanted more. Needless to say he told his cousin Steve that we, um, slept together. I was furious when I found out.
I confronted him on it and of course he tried to tell me it was Steve who made up the story. Etc.....It was a mess!
I told the cousin, finally, "you are NOT my type and I will not go out with you". Talk about getting a guy angry! Well, if they aren't your type, don't act like they are or try to be nice to them because they think you WANT to date them when you don't!

Needless to say, I chewed out both of the men. Told them where they could take a flying leap at and never to bother me again. And again, I hate to say it but, I thought only we women acted like this!! Dramatic, lies, issues..all for attention. Crazy.

Since then, and that was probably back in August, I have not dated another man. I've talked to several. Thought about going on a date. But chicken out. Why? Because of what happened between the months of March and August. I know, it was only those particular men but it didn't make me feel like I really want to get out there again.
I've been alone, just myself and my youngest daughter, taking care of her and me. Taking care of my own things. Becoming independent. Strong. And probably putting up some kind of wall.

I had a guy friend tell me once that I needed to loosen up a bit. Have fun. Take down the wall. So I did. And look where it got me. Nowhere. I don't trust easily and when I took a bit of time to place a little trust in someone, I got used. No doubt I allowed some of it but not all of it. So I feel like even though 'Stella got her groove back' that somewhere I lost a bit of that groove.

Do I want to keep trying? Well, I must some what because I'm trying a couple of dating sights out. No luck there either. They are either not my type or too young or if they are what I like, they run from me. Dang! I didn't think I was THAT desperate! But of course, (and I'm going to be a bit blunt here) I don't 'put out' either.
I'm not into one night stands. I'm not into booty calls either. Too much stuff out there to be so careless about my health. And it's not the way I want my daughter to be around either.

So, I'm looking for Long Term but afraid of it at the same time. Feeling like being a loner is the way it is for me. Maybe it is, maybe not. We shall see how it turns out once I just stop looking for it to happen.

Til next time....

BlueEyedWonder

Speaking of Responsibility....

2008-12-11T14:16:00.003-06:00

It sucks!

It is the dreaded R word.

As a child the only responsibility you have is cleaning your room. Feeding a pet or two. As you get a bit older, mowing the grass. Taking out the garbage. A few little chores that seem like they are the WORST things to have to do at any given time. And not to mention the little bit of allowance you might have received for it! HA!

Well, we can't complain too much as we look back on it. Our parents took care of us. Food on the table. Clothes to wear. We were able to go and do things with friends. We joined clubs. Sports. Had fun too.

But as a child it seemed the most awful thing to have to do at the time.

Now, here we are as adults. Talk about responsibility!

You get married. There's another person that has to be taken care of. You have a child or two or heaven forbid three or more! Look at the responsibility on your shoulders then! You have a mortgage/rent to pay. Mouths to feed. Bodies to clothe. A job to worry about.

Their health to take care of. Your health to take care of. College to put your children through. Or helping them to find the right kind of financial aid/loans. ((shuddering)) More debt heaped upon more debt. Unless, you know how to save!

But how to save when there is nothing to save??!! Quite the conundrum, don't you think?

Right now, in my life, I have one daughter that I am responsible for. I have rent to pay, normal bills to pay. As she is a teenager, well, you know how much more expensive that can be! Thankfully, she really does not ask for much. She knows what we can and can't do or afford.

Being a single mom is harder than most realize. I, like the rest of the nation, am concerned about my employment. But I have the burden of being a mom & dad and the single provider in this home.

So, when someone brings up the word responsibility and they have it a bit easier than I do because they have two incomes, please don't always expect me to sympathize! Is that harsh? Maybe. I guess it's because I do not go and ask for help. I work it out on my own. Maybe that is a form of stubborness or pride but I feel that if I took the responsibility to get myself in a tight situation without help then it's my responsibility to get myself out of it without help.

Responsibility is a big word. When you are young do not be in such a hurry to take it on! You will get enough of it as an adult.

Unless of course it is learning what responsibility is by doing those chores you hate so much because that little bit of learning is a lot easier than what you face in life as an adult.

Laters!

BlueEyedWonder

My Weekend...Disaster??

2008-12-10T09:53:00.003-06:00

Well, as you can tell, I've not been here to post in a few days. But, now I am back!

Over the weekend I ended up getting sick..but before I get ahead of myself, let me tell you a bit about before that.

I was supposed to go with a friend of mine on Friday night to see one of my favorite bands, well actually there were 3 that we were to hear perform. Well, as I hadn't been feeling too well all week long I decided not to go. But not because I hadn't been feeling too well but because for some reason, I just did not feel like going out. But of course that's not what I told her. Shame on me I guess. But come on! I'm sure not everyone has told the truth when they just didn't feel like going to a certain event at times with a friend or group of friends. So, I told a little lie. I won't say white lie cuz a lie is a lie. Well, I missed being out as I probably really needed the night out but that was my choice. But I missed the guys from Joan Red...dang it!

So on Saturday I worked as a volunteer for a Christmas Charity event(no, not to make up for the lie but because I had already decided to volunteer for it!! lol). It was called Stuff-a-Bus. A radio station near where I live was doing this and they actually do this every year but this was the first I'd heard of it. Anyway...This radio station has actually done some charity events for the church that my brother and his family attends. That event is called "No Strings Attached". It's a community wide charity. They did three of these this past year. The first was just to reach out to the community with not strings attached to attend the church. The next was for the begginning of the school year to bring school supplies and such to those who couldn't afford it. The last was a Chili cook-off kind of thing. They have raised a lot for the community and have helped many. Yes, I was involved..even though I do not attend the church often, I get 'hooked' into it. Of course, if I really did not want to, I wouldn't. But I like to help when I can...call me sucker?? lol

So, that was the case with the Stuff-a-Bus event. I can't say I was suckered into it because if I didn't want to be there, I wouldn't have been. It was for a good cause and there are many out there who may not get to have a Christmas without this kind of thing. They had this event from 12/3 at 3pm until 12/7 at 7pm. It was on 24/7 for those days.

The sad thing is, they didn't raise as much as they had hoped.

I understand about the economy and such. But there are those out there in worse shape then some of us. And those in way better shape that could do more. And yet, I understand both sides of the coin.

But don't we still have to consider those who may be in worse shape than we are? Those with children who may not get to have a Christmas at all? We need to think about the children, not ourselves. Now isn't a time to be selfish but to help those who need it. Those in true need not those who can still do for their families. But those in the truest need.

Makes you think a bit.

After all of that, I was on my way home and began having stomach cramps or a stomach ache. Whichever you want to call it, it darn well hurt!

By the next morning I knew I had been hit with that nasty virus that had been going around! Let me tell you, you just do not want to get hit with that thing! It is most unpleasant. I ended up missing work on Monday. Still not feeling well.

I came in on Tuesday. Wish I hadn't. But by late afternoon I was feeling much better. Or at least it seemed I did. I was woken in the middle of the night, during a much needed sleep, with another 'bout of this virus thing still hitting me. Yeeeecck!!!

I made it in yet this morning to work. I still feel better and yet still know I have a touch of this virus going on. And as with anyone else that has a job and is the sole bread-winner in the home, I have to be at work. Sick or not.

So even after missing out on Friday...doing a good thing on Saturday...maybe I'm paying a little bit for the 'little lie' on Friday???

Goodness, I would hope not because if that were true, then many of us would sure being paying for those things...wouldn't we??? :)

Til next time!

BlueEyedWonder

Pics of the bands...

2008-12-04T10:09:00.003-06:00

The pictures from top to bottom:
Joan Red
One Less Reason
Framing Hanley
Trust Company

One of the bands

2008-12-04T09:42:00.006-06:00

These are some great guys I've gotten to know on my outings with my friend Tonya. This is Steven, Lee, myself, Sam and Harvey. The band is called "Waiting for Brantley" and if you have a MySpace, go and look for them there.
I've not been into the type of music they play but I have learned to enjoy it, at least some anyways! haha

My friend Tonya(who is with me in the next picture) has actually introduced me to these guys as well as some other bands. She does the photography for all of them that I have met plus those she's known prior to meeting me. We've had tons of fun together and meeting people out of my 'normal' scope of people has been quite interesting.

We made it to Memphis with our daughters, who are 12 and 14, the Wednesday night before Thanksgiving. We hit the famous Beale Street where we went to The New Daisy and out of 5 bands that were there that night, we caught 3 that we were wanting to hear. They'll be at Main Street Live in Jackson, TN on December 20th. If you're close by, come and hear them.

The bands are: One Less Reason, Trust Company and Sore Eyes ( My 14 yr old knew of Trust Company and was SO excited to see them in person!!)

Now this Friday, we'll be heading to Tequila Joe's to hear Joan Red and Absence of Concern.

Joan Red is another favorite of mine as well as One Less Reason.

Yeah, quite the rock out bands...but the guys in the bands are the greatest!

I'll post some pics of just the bands....

Til later...
BlueEyedWonder

Faith.....

2008-12-03T10:00:00.006-06:00

I found this today on a comment blog that my brother wrote and found it very interesting. Considering what we had just been through it made me consider Faith a bit.
Read on and then I will have more to comment after.....

"The Substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen"

I sit and think about the profound nature of this statement and I wonder how anyone can survive without God? We have to deal with such terrible issues and are in a state of affairs that constitute such regret for our overall directions. We allow our children to die unborn and we push for morals and ethics to be placed behind our wants and feelings.
We fight wars over material gain without regard for life. We cannot help but be wrong. Sounds morbid, doesn't it? It is, unless you have the hope that only children of God have.

In my life I have been through so much, both good and bad. I have been through trials and tribulations and have given into temptation time and again, but through all that I can honestly say that I have grown to be closer to what I want to be.
I am a God-fearing Christian that believes in the necessary judgment of a powerful and awesome God. But you know more than that? I not only believe that God is judgment and rightfully so, but so much more I believe He is grace and mercy. I believe He is love and hope and if it weren't for all that He has done for me I would be either nothing or dead. Nothing and dead isn't all that bad unless you realize that the loss you face is forever.

Faith is such an excellent concept. Child-like faith is being what I want for God. I want to be able to know that He is going to be there no matter what I am going through. I want to understand and live the concept that He leads and guides me through the valleys and onto the mountaintops. How could I ever turn my back on the King of Kings that laid down His life for me; why, because of adversity? Never will I disbelieve in His grace, mercy or peace that only He can create in me.

After reading this, this that my own brother wrote, it got me to thinking as I said earlier. When the injustice that happened the other day that I wrote about here, my faith in anything felt damaged.

I know I don't understand the 'why' of the outcome and what the purpose of the end result is, but I can know I do not have to lose MY faith because of the outcome.

My trust in 'justice' has wavered. My faith did waver. But I realize too that it's not 'justice' that I need to put my faith IN. But my faith needs to be placed in something that constitutes my trust.

Trust in man, well, it gets you no where. Trust in God or to whomever it is you trust in is where it needs to be. I know, we never really understand the 'why's' of anything. And we can't just go blindly trusting or having faith.

Trust and faith are actually to be ACTIVE. It means not just sitting there passively letting things pass by. Or to have an attitude of "oh well" is not active trust and faith. It's not about just sitting there, waiting and watching to see how it all unfolds. Although, you do have to wait and watch as well because you can see how the path is unfolding in front of you.

I don't know if I'm even explaining it rightly. It's just something I know in me. Or even for yourself, you'll know.

As bad as it all was on Monday, I feel more confident that somehow, this will all turn out all right. I am being active in my trust and faith. While at the same time still being watchful.

Until Later,
BlueEyedWonder

Injustice....

2008-12-02T14:47:00.003-06:00

As I sat in a courtroom yesterday, I saw an injustice done to a man. Not from the law but from a jury who only heard the truth they wanted to hear.

I've known this man for a very long time. And what he was accused of, never happened. The evidence was brought forward from the other side. And there actually was NO irrefutable evidence against him.

There were two witnesses who came forward for this man and they knew the truth as they were there that day that it was supposed to have happened. They spoke the truth. But it was not heard.

The man was railroaded by his own family. Those that had hate in their heart towards a man that has never been anything but kind to them. These people said things and did things against him that should have been seen by those that sat on that jury. But they did not see.

This man is a simple man. Never had an education that went past the elementary level. But he did work hard. He did the best he could with what he knew. He lived a life the best he knew how to.

But there were those that must have been jealous because he did make something of himself. He had a job, a home, a wife and a few nice things. Things they did not have and would never attain because they are actually lazy and have not amounted to anything. They do drugs and they sell them also.

His closest family did not even step forward to help him. Although they said that they believed he did not do what they accused him of and even had proof he did not. Only his wife, 2 witnesses and 2 other people stood with him. There was another that wanted to stand with as well, but this person was threatened by those that came against the man.

How terrible to see the proof that he did not do what they accused and then to see the jury of twelve come back and say he was guilty because they already had their minds set that he was.

It was "injustice" plain and simple...

BlueEyedWonder